Charting a Course

What a difference 24 hours makes

noreply@blogger.com (California Girl) — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 03:56:00 +0000

I'm sitting here, at my dining room table, tapping away, happy as a clam. Was not the case at this time last night. No. This time last night, my stomach was in knots, as I was suffering through Valkyrie.

What possessed me to watch this movie? Well, H and I were having the nicest of nice days. It was Friday, and since I don't work on Fridays, I spent a few hours at my mom's house. H called me as we were leaving, about 1:30, and said he hadn't left the house and had just been working from there! This rarely happens, so Maya and I scurried home so we could all hang together. We played, danced, practiced standing.... H gave Maya-le a bath, and we put her to bed. We made an easy dinner together, I poured a glass of wine, and we turned on the tube. "Wouldn't it be nice to see a movie?" ... we thought. After cruising through all the lame-ass movie channels, we went to Pay Per View. And there it was, starting at 8pm.

I really don't like war movies. I really really don't like Hitler/WW2 movies. The reason being that it's not make believe -- this really happened. And it's painful to re-live. At least after a horror movie you can (try to) convince yourself that it's just make believe and the sun will come out in the morning. That the imaginary boogie-man under your bed won't come out and grab you. But with these movies, you can't do that. It's part of our history, and it's so damn sad.

Well, Tom Cruise did a good job, but I can't say I liked the movie. Gah, it's about the failed plot to assassinate Hitler. You don't have to know the story to know that it was an unsuccessful attempt.

Anyways, I rolled around in bed for a while. H fell asleep RIGHT AWAY. I got up to look for an ambien - half a pill always does the trick. But the bottle was empty. I went to go lie down in the extra bed in Maya's room. Brain racing. I came out to play on the computer a while. I went back to bed. Can.not.sleep. I came back out to try and sleep on the couch, when out of the corner of my eye I spotted the oh-so-elusive ambien. I popped in half a pill and made my way back to bed. Placebo affect or not, it shut my brain off and I was able to fall asleep. A good two hours after initially getting into bed. OY VEY, if I do say so myself.

Mamma Mia is on tonight, and I couldn't be happier.

We had a cool day today. During Maya's morning nap I took an hour snooze on the couch... i never do that but I was going on 6 hours of sleep and that really just doesn't do it for me. Once Maya woke up we got ready, my sister came over, and we got ready to head to the Getty to meet my dad and other sister. We were going to celebrate my dad's birthday. We live literally a few miles from the Getty Center off Sepulveda, and I haven't been there in YEARS. silly, no? I've wanted to try the Restaurant forever, and this was a perfect occcasion.

We had SUCH a nice time! I didn't snap any shots from inside, but the architecture is great... big open windows overlooking the city, lots of natural sunlight, it's really just so pleasant. Maya was eating up a storm, I swear this girl loves food like crazy. It's so crazy, that she even likes lemons.

Seriously, she didn't even pucker her lips! It could have been a saltine cracker for all she cared. We were cracking up!

After lunch we went to take some pictures. As hot as it was today, there was a glorious breeze up in the hills. Did I mention it was beautiful?

It was just so nice. After lots of photos we went for a nice walk, and even checked out the photography and sculpture exhibitions. They were not very inspiring, but I believe people come to the Getty more for the ambiance then for the actual art.

We came home, Maya crashed for a nap, and we just stayed cool. It was effing hot outside. H took a late afternoon nap, and Maya and I just went up the stairs over and over -- she gets a total kick out of this. God bless entertaining wee ones!

And now H is down south picking up Bella, and I'm listening to Pierce Brosnan Abba it up! Truth be told, everyone gave him too hard a time for this performance! I love me some Pierce!

Buenas Nochas! :)

It's been so long

noreply@blogger.com (California Girl) — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 03:28:00 +0000

since I've written here last. Gah. I won't even try and play "catch up" because it would just be random and long-winded. So I'll just start spewing.

What is the state of my life right now? Overall, I'd say it's going really well. I feel content and OK with the world around me. I really am grateful to feel this way, because I can remember all too well a few months ago feeling quite nauseous with the world around me. Peace is a good thing.

Maya is just a pure, pure joy. So much fun. Such a little love. A round, chubby, scrumptious, edible, smiley baby.

Who likes to hang out in diaper boxes.

Maya and my mom this past weekend

and will probably have crazy hair like her mama

Right before bath time

She's crawling up a storm, pulling up, and as of yesterday, standing hands-free! For about 10 seconds, when she plops on her butt. Thank goodness for cushy diapers! She's very proud of herself, and squeals with delight. It's too darn cute.

I think all of the excitement over standing solo made it really hard for her to fall asleep tonight. I put her in her crib at 6:45 and she was supremely silent, but I watched her crawl around her crib, stand up, lie down, move from this side to that side, repeat, for over an hour! At some point she just said, "OK, this is getting boring. Might as well crash." And that was it. But not one little inkling of noise! So awesome. Thank god for the video monitor. And Ferber.

I also feel pretty balanced because I came to terms with something the other night. I had my review at work week before last. It was about 5 months late. Seriously. Boss was just busy and kept telling me we'd do it "soon." I wasn't too worried, because any raise I got would just be paid out in one lump sum to reflect getting it on my date-of-hire anniversary. The review was good, standard, basically the same song and dance I get every year. However, my ears perked up when my boss said, "We'd really like to know when you're planning to come back to work full-time." Uhhhhh, huh? My mental answer was, "Never." But I told him I'd have to think about it and get back to him.

See, before Maya was born I had a sit-down with my boss and CEO. I told them there was no way I could maintain my 50+ hour weeks and long commute, once the baby was here. I suggested working full time, but two days from home. After a good amount of back and forth, they said that they didn't want to set a precedent of having people work from home, so if I wanted one day at home, we'd cut my time by one day and I'd work 4 days. They said that we could maintain this schedule as long as it worked for the company, and if there were any problems with work not getting done, they'd talk to me about it before taking any action. Cool.

Well truth be told, I am getting all my work done and more. Somehow having a baby just makes you not waste time when things need to get done. I took on a whole new set of responsibilities when I came back to work in January and am still getting it all done. And I cost my company 20% less. With all the push for "cutting costs", they have a hell of a deal with me. I put all of this in a letter to my boss, asking him if we could re-evaluate the situation in 6 months, when I'm done breastfeeding. But that was just dangling a carrot. My Mon-Thurs are intense and exhausting and having my Fridays at home with Maya is just too valuable.

See, it's a struggle having a career and being a mom. You want to "climb the ladder", be more, attain that "C" title. But you cannot do that without sacrificing quality time with your kids. It's a very hard thing to balance. I am ambitious and I want to do great things with my career. I am competitive and I want to do better than my coworkers. The other night I felt so unsettled about it all. I started talking to H about getting to the "Director" level and beyond, and he said, "Well, is that what you want?" His phone rang so he got distracted, but I sat outside, enveloped in the warm evening air, as the sun was setting beyond the tall cypress trees (what an incredible night), and asked myself that exact question. Is that what I really want?

Hmmm. What's my boss's life? 10-11 hour days. In the office on Saturdays. Lots of travel. Not a bad life if you have no kids or you don't really value quality time with your wife/husband. But if you do??? Hell no. I love my family. I love hanging out at home with Maya, with H, with friends that stop by, with family. It's the bread and butter of my life right now. It's the best. And these years, of raising a family, are years that you can never get back. It's a period in our lives, and once it's gone, that's it. I'm loving it so much that I just want to savor each moment of it.

Once that thought processed through my mind, I felt so settled. I'm going to do a kick-ass job at getting my things done right now. I'm going to run my business unit better than it has ever been run before. I'm going to knock their socks off. Yes, sir. Mon-Thurs, from 7:30am - 3:30pm. On those off hours, I'll be loving it up with my precious family. If work needs me? Blackberry.

Word. I've felt on top of the world since. And the fact that a recruiter has been jocking me hard-core for a Director-level job at our biggest competitor? That helped too. :)

Adventures in Mobility

noreply@blogger.com (California Girl) — Sun, 24 May 2009 16:17:00 +0000

Alas, we have reached a new phase in the Cali girl household. Yes, the weather is warmer, the flowers are blooming, the hummingbirds are out. The grapevine has tons of wee baby grapes on it. The pomegranate tree is starting to bulk up with baby pomegranates.

But that's outside. Inside, we have a whole other cup of coffee brewing.

We're crawling.

Well, let me rephrase that to say, "Maya is crawling."

She's been practicing the crawl for an awfully long time now. Getting up on all fours, rocking back and forth... But she couldn't figure out how to coordinate putting one hand in front of the other, and one knee in front of the other for the longest time! I kept thinking -- she's about to crawl... in a week we'll have a crawler... but alas, she had different plans.

Last Monday I left for Vegas for a quick work trip. I really was not worried about it. My New York trip in March totally had me prepared for this. Vegas is a quick hour flight away, I'd be back by Wednesday, and to be totally honest, I really looked forward to some good wine and a luxurious bathtub. We were at a meeting/conference at the Red Rock, and the rooms there are quite nice. So I was game.

I had a dinner commitment with a customer for Tuesday night, but nothing for Monday night. There was an opening reception in the exhibit hall for Monday night, so I envisioned bringing up a glass of red to my room, ordering some room service, getting in the tub, and chilling out. Life with a baby doesn't offer much opportunity to be selfish and lazy!

Well, as the saying goes, make plans and then let god decide. At the reception, our CEO was in discussion with some other colleagues about their dinner with another customer that evening. I guess she was not too interested to join - it was a group of men, all they'd probably do is drink, smoke cigars, and trash women (one of them is going through a nasty divorce and is in the "women suck" phase). So she turned to me and said, "Cali girl, we're going out for dinner!" Oy! I mean, I was definitely looking forward to the opportunity for some one on one time with her, but that just about killed my plans for a quiet, zen evening.

We ended up having a nice time though... Ordered some good wine (she's a wine afficionado) and had lots of great conversation. She really wanted to know how it was being a mom (she has no kids and is quite anti-kid to be honest) and how it was balancing life with a kid. She asked about H (she knows him) and how his business is surviving in this bleak economy. We just had a nice, genuine, heart-to-heart talk and it was really nice.

Anyways (gosh, I'm rambling), the meeting was great and I did enjoy myself -- seeing some great customers, having nice meals, general good times. I got home Wednesday right in the middle of rush hour traffic (God bless) and battled the freeway home. I ran my little legs in as fast as I could because it was right around Maya's bedtime, and as I came in, I saw her in the crib (via the monitor). She was still awake, but at that point I didn't want to go in there -- if she saw me she'd get excited and it would be hard for her to settle down.

In the morning I was so excited to see her and I scooped her out of her crib... ahhh, there is nothing as heavenly as seeing your babe after a few days of not being together. I went to work and came home as quickly as I could in the late afternoon... and when I went into her room, she crawled over to me! It was so awesome!

Friday and Saturday turned into "Operation Babyproof." We had done some preliminary babyproofing when we saw she was practicing crawling, but we had to get the big guns out. H and I went to a local baby-proofing store and bought gates, plug covers, and other random supplies. We moved out sketchy furniture from the living room/dining room.

And now, it's "go baby go!" It's so much fun to just sit her down and see where she'll roam! We've had to retire the bouncy chair (she just does not want to sit still) and I believe the jumparoo is about to go as well.

We had a really nice weekend -- some nasty drama H had with EEW on Thursday dared to ruin it -- but we did not let it. On Sunday we had some family and friends over for a BBQ and pool-time, and as always, it was lovely.

By the end of the weekend, my girl was standing!!

It was painful easing back into work today, but now we're on with the week. And since I don't work Fridays, it's a 3 day week for me!!

Keep it in the family

noreply@blogger.com (California Girl) — Sat, 02 May 2009 02:39:00 +0000

I'm tired as all hell this evening. Last night Maya went to sleep beautifully at 7pm, only to wake up at 1 am, and stay up until about 3:30 am. Oy! I haven't had a night like that with her in SO LONG. It was nuts. She was just awake awake awake and had no interest in going back to sleep. In the end I had to rock her to sleep. Seriously haven't done that since she was a newborn.

MIL left early this morning. As I was falling back to sleep, I heard her come downstairs at 4 am... to make her breakfast for her early morning flight. I am very happy to say that her visit was very pleasant. It's a world of difference compared to how she was last year. She's really grown and is so much more independent. We had a nice time. She got to bond with Maya - who always had a grin for her - and we had a lot of good, in-depth conversation about relationships (hers with her husband, mine with H, general family stuff) and I think it did us all a lot of good.

See, I've been noticing this for a long time. Always, probably. The weekends that steppie is with us, H has a tendency to act totally differently towards me. It's like I become "just another person" living in this house. A roommate. It's totally weird, and I don't like it... but I kind of have gotten used to it. It makes me not really look forward to the weekends that she is with us... which is totally unfair, and I know it. It's not her that is the problem, it is H. Even though he never admits it, I know he harbors a great amount of guilt that he couldn't be with steppie full-time since he and her mom split up before she was even born. He hasn't dealt with those feelings (and I worry he never will) and it affects their relationship now. There are numerous times when I have to point out to him that he is being over-the-top or over-indulgent with her. Nothing is gained by that behavior... in fact, it just creates problems for later on. She's about 9 now. I fear for when she is 15 or 16.

Anyways, I talked to H about it last weekend. I also talked to my mom about it - we're close, and I really share a lot with her. My mom shared it with H's mom, and being a therapist, she shared it with him. No, it wasn't a game of telephone, where the end message ended up being totally different than the start message... but it was just about the fact that we are a family, and I am a mother now, and there is just a "right" way to behave towards your wife. H is a good hearted guy, a loving guy, but sometimes he just doesn't get it. Well, I'm tired of being patient... he needs to start getting it. I think with all the talk, he is at least aware of the issue(s) and seems like he is making an effort. We'll see if it takes.

As far as my little girl, she's great. Other than her zombie-like behavior last night, she's a total delight.

She's practicing crawling like mad right now. She hasn't yet coordinated it, but I'd say within the next month she'll have it down.

Right now she's doing all sorts of Cirque De Soleil types of acrobatics, just working on her balance.

It's tiring! She gets pooped.

Today we met with some other babies and mamas at Garfield Park in Pasadena. It was so much fun! You can get the recap on Meghan's blog.

http://pumpkin-on-board.blogspot.com/2009/05/park-playdate.html

So, as always, life is good. There are hiccups in the road, but that's OK. I can always go to sleep at night feeling grateful and fulfilled.

Oh bla di, oh bla da....

noreply@blogger.com (California Girl) — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 01:54:00 +0000

Gosh, it has been a while, hasn't it? I suck at this blogging thing on top of everything else going on in my life. Moms who work, take care of their kid(s), still connect with their husbands and blog while trying to maintain a sense of normalcy get GREAT BIG kudos from me!! Seriously.

I do want to say that I am reading all of your blogs. I comment here and there (most likely "there") when I have a chance, but I am reading. Excuse my commenting-laziness.

So... what have we been up to? A lot and seriously, it's hard to remember. It scary to think about! I love my time with her so much and I worry that I'm going to forget it all! I'm not one that is scared of her growing up... on the contrary, "grow!" Let her grow to be healthy, strong, smart, sweet, and independent - I'm all for it. But I don't want to wake up one day - she's 10 - and I can barely remember how it was to have my sweet little Maya babe! Oy.

OK, well she is eating up a storm. Her repertoire of food items includes oatmeal (the solid staple to many of her meals), sweet potatoes, peas, carrots, apples, pears, and bananas. She's a good, hearty eater. I love that she's into solids now. When I put her in her high chair she gets so excited!! She's like, "what are we having now, mom?" It's too cute and too much fun. Other than the fruit, I'm making everything a la casa. Good, organic, and homemade! The way it should be.

We went swimming for the first time last weekend! The temperatures were PURE INSANITY in SoCal... literally, desert heat sprung upon us for few days. Luckily, this occurred over the weekend, so we had the opportunity to heat up the pool and have some friends over. Whee!

Maya just loved the water. I knew she would... but thank goodness she didn't start wailing. She was just chilling, kicking back. She is so my daughter (and H's too - he's totally a water boy).

After swimming around for a bit, we took a break in the shade for some grub.

It was hot as hell but with the flowers blooming on the hillside, it was just so lovely!

It was also my birthday last weekend! Yes, I have joined the ranks of the "thirties" -- scary, but also somehow nice. Gone are my twenties, when everything is so chaotic and life lacks a real sense of direction. It made me feel so fortunate to realize that while turning 30 I have an incredible husband, a beautiful daughter, a good job, a home that is my sanctuary, family I love and that I can count on, and everyone is healthy and happy. Seriously! Whenever I find myself feeling bummed about something, I always remind myself how lucky I truly am... and then the "problem" vaporizes away. I don't know if it has to be with becoming a mother, or maybe it's just the state of the world, but sometimes I find myself getting stressed and "weighed down" by things, more than I probably ought to. I don't like the feeling. So remembering all that I have to be grateful for has truly helped.

OK, so for my birthday celebration, we went out with my closest friends to Rush Street in Culver City. Rush Street is a restaurant/bar. The decor is cool - high ceilings with ornate wood paneling. This would be a great place to go if you're looking for dinner and a lively bar scene. They have an upstairs area which becomes a little "nightclub" at night -- there is a list and everything. Oh, so LA. The food is your decent upscale bar food... nothing too memorable (or healthy). But it was a good choice.

My sister, the hostess with the mostess, arranged the reservation and got a cake for me. It was very sweet. Before I blew out my candles she had everyone go around the table and toast me. It was totally sweet and everyone said such sweet things. I have a great sis :)

So, there is surely stuff I am missing reporting, but such is life. Tomorrow MIL comes into town. Yeah. Madame organico, meditationah, high-maintenance-eh. She is SO excited to see little Maya, and I have to admit, so am I. With all the stuff there is going on around me, I doubt there will be much of an opportunity to get annoyed.

I say that now. Check back with me at the end of the week :)

These are the days to remember

noreply@blogger.com (California Girl) — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 03:25:00 +0000

We had such a full, fun day today!

H left yesterday and is gone for the weekend, so it's just a "Maya and me" weekend.... I love these so much. Yeah, it's hard when I don't have an extra hand around to help me with stuff... but I love the peaceful energy of just me and my girl. It's so pure and loving and it totally invigorates me!

An old friend from high school was in town and we got together for coffee this morning... she has a 14 month old daughter... and of course, my 6-month old Maya is BIGGER than her. Haha! Her daughter is tiny - in the 2nd or 3rd percentile for weight... where as mine is now modestly in the 90th. I haven't seen this friend since high school (over 12 years ago) so this was so nice to get together.

Afterwards we came home and my mom came over... and we gave Maya her first real meal! Oatmeal! Whee - it was so much fun! The pedi said she's spit it out the first time, but just to keep trying, and after a couple of days she'd get the hang of it. No problem with my healthy eater - she gobbled it down! We were cracking up.

My mom left and a little bit later my sister came over... that was also so much fun. For Maya's next meal, we made her some more oatmeal. She wasn't as enthusiastic the 2nd time around... but likely because she really wasn't all that hungry. She still ate most of it though :)

And then... like we didn't have enough activity for the day... my sister, Maya and I went to go meet a great girlfriend of ours (we grew up across the street from eachother) for sushi! 5:30 pm, sushi, but nonetheless, it was a Friday night out! We never really take Maya out in the evenings because she goes to sleep around 7pm and when you throw her evening routine in the mix there just isn't enough time for dinner. But tonight it was "ladies night" so I just threw in the towel.

Maya was so good at dinner - babbling up a storm, and so enthralled with everything around her. She straight up wanted my chopsticks and my sake, and I had to keep them far away from her. Can you imagine wasabi in her little mouth? Yeesh.

We got home about 15 minutes past her bedtime, so I scratched a bath (first time in SO long she hasn't had a bath at night), fed her, changed her, and put her down. She fought going to sleep a bit because she was just so charged, but she was tired, so by 7:45, she was out.

Such a fun day! I'm telling you, being a mom is the best thing ever (not that you didn't already know that :P) .

And just for kicks, here's a shot of Maya passed out on Daddy last Sunday night. She is one that really only falls asleep in her crib or car seat, so this was definitely memorable.

I'm home!!

noreply@blogger.com (California Girl) — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 14:20:00 +0000

I wrote this post about 2.5 weeks ago, after I got back from New York...

Coming home and seeing little Maya today was HEAVENLY! When I got home the nanny had just put her down for her afternoon nap, which was great... gave me a chance to stick the milk in the freezer (I managed to bring home quite a stash!), wash my hands, and eat a piece of toast... I was starving! When Maya woke up, I swear, I couldn't speak I was so happy/emotional. She was also smiling from ear to ear... who knows what she even realizes at this age, but it was so tender and loving for me and I just wanted to love her up!

I fed her and she had no problem at all breastfeeding... I was worried that after almost four days on the bottle, she might be done with eating au natural... but she took right to it!!! Phew. And we played and laughed... and OMG, she is rolling like a freaking champion now. From back to front to back to front... she made it like halfway across the room! I was in hysterics - she was seriously showing off! She was not rolling like this when I left on Monday morning...

I gave her a bath and she is sitting up so well... such a big girl! And when I put her in her crib she wasn't fussing at all... She was rolling and kicking and talking to herself and it took her a good 30 minutes to settle down and go to sleep, but she was in good spirits and did it all herself.

Big, wonderful changes these days... what a great age.

Time is flying

noreply@blogger.com (California Girl) — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 04:29:00 +0000

Busy days. Busy, busy days.

I think the experience of becoming a mother is so much more complex than a lot of people realize. Well, definitely more than I realized.

When I first started dating H, he had his little daughter. She was a baby. People would ask him how it was being a parent. They would say things like, "Your life totally changes, doesn't it?" Well, of course it changes, I thought. But now I realize that it is much more than just being committed to caring for a baby. It is the experience of witnessing nature... evolution... growth. The past few days I've spent with Maya make me just say WOW. 5 months and all this already?

It's the compassion and empathy for people around the world. How do the very poor do this? How do people in third world countries without clean water and medical care do this? The whole experience is like a psychedelic acid trip or something. Sometimes I catch myself in the mirror when I'm playing with Maya, and I stop and say how lucky am I to be doing this? What did I do to deserve this amazing gift? I know that probably sounds uber corny... but it's fortunately true.

I guess all I want to say is THANK YOU GOD! Thank you for this wonderful experience and amazing gift.

OK, and onto the good stuff. We've been having a grand ol' time... me and my girl. A few weeks ago, H was out of town for the week, so we had our first GTG with other mommies and babies!!

So much fun! I met most of these mamas from The Bump (gah, I hate saying that) while we were pregnant... but I've known Nannersp and Skatcat for longer. I also invited a mama I met at a local mommy & me class. One of the gals' husband is a photographer so he snapped a group picture of us... after saying "Wow, so you guys are real...." Haha.

It was so nice to be around other mamas, to have the house full of babies - and a set of twins! - and talk about sleep and poop and all that fun stuff. Maya was totally wiped out after all the activity. Can't blame her, it's hard to be a hostess.

We've spent some good quality time with sister.

We've hugged and loved.

We've practiced sitting.

Worked on getting into that "zen" state.

And even smelled the flowers.

Maya is growing so rapidly. I LOVE this. It is so incredible to watch her change... it's really so satisfying and awe-inspiring. Right now she can sit unassisted for like 5 seconds... then she tumbles. She looks at EVERYTHING and is interested in it all. Everything goes in her mouth. Especially her feet. She can suck on those toes like a Cirque de Soleil performer. She giggles and it makes me melt. She does tummy crunches like a workout fanatic. She watches me eat with such interest and fascination.... one month till solids!

Life is really good. It's also really intense/crazy/stressful at times, but those are the small details. From Sunday night to Thursday night, it's dealing with work drama (remember my coworker who was trying to steal my accounts when I came back to work? More on that later), the 405 freeway drama, prepping for everything, trying to sleep, trying to keep it all "together" without going crazy, and it is just a lot of work. H has been away a lot lately for work, in addition to the time he's down with Bella... and in a way this bothers me and in a way it doesn't. Yes, it's me that does everything when he's not here... but to be honest, I'd probably still do it all if he was here, and then I'd also have to deal with all his other stuff. I absolutely love my H and love when we are together, but I guess I don't mind a little quiet, "me" time once Maya is asleep.

OK, that's all for now. I slept for shit last night (not because of Maya, she was fine), and I'm pooped. Hope you are all doing wonderfully.

And we're back!

noreply@blogger.com (California Girl) — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 04:55:00 +0000

Thanks for your patience... pics are back-up and open for viewing!!

No pics?

noreply@blogger.com (California Girl) — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 14:14:00 +0000

Boo. Sorry everyone! I'm off to work but will deal with this later :)

It's been a while!!

noreply@blogger.com (California Girl) — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 04:52:00 +0000

Hi friends! I have been SO bad about keeping up with the blog. My Google Reader? I'm literally scared to open it. Blogs are going to be dripping out the sides of computer. I'm just so overdue.

Life has just been busy. Whew. Work, baby, husband, other family, friends in town, paying bills, worrying about the economy... you name it, we're doing it. It's so funny, you go through these new life experiences, and even if they can be difficult or challenging, it just makes life so much richer. Or fuller. Or maybe it just makes you appreciate when things are easy breezy that much more.

Life with little Maya is wonderful. She's just so fantastic. We're having a ball together. We laugh, we play, we sing, we play airplane (or avion in Hebrew), we hug, we kiss, we bond. I love my time with her so much. I guess being at work during the day makes you just value being at home that much more.

Last weekend one of my best girlfriends was in town, so my sister, said girlfriend, her sister, H, and I went to Inn of the Seventh Ray, the place where we got married.

It was so nice to go back! They have the most incredible Sunday brunches. Amazing food - that is healthy, wholesome, and unique. And the setting is so beautiful and cozy. We've been having Sunday brunch at the Inn for years, and it's always like coming home.

And the waitresses loved hearing that we had gotten married there! What a great before-and-after.

The weather was not so great (SoCal has been getting battered with rain as of late), but it was still wonderful.

Maya was rockin her fantastic hoodie set from Fred Segal. She was looking all OG.

And because we were at the Inn, which is such a spiritual place, she needed to have some good meditation with one of her aunties.

Hee hee, I love that one.

Otherwise, life is good. H is in Hawaii this week with Bella. While she is on her "late winter break" - whatever that is. I know I never had a late winter break in school. So they are on vacation while Maya and I are toiling and troubling here back home. We're only mildly bitter about it at this point ;) All I know is next vacation we plan, I'm spoiling myself.

So while daddy is gone, Maya gets to indulge. We recently discovered a fascination with cartoons - particularly a rosy one. For your viewing pleasure:

Reflection and Mama-time

noreply@blogger.com (California Girl) — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 04:26:00 +0000

I find myself doing a lot of reflecting these days. Man, life has changed. Not in the "I used to be so independent and selfish and now I am tied down to a baby" kind of way - in fact - the farthest thing from it. I LOVE with a super-capital L being a mom. It fulfills me just as I always knew it would, and I feel so privileged to have a wonderful, sweet, adorable baby to love and take care of. It is completely wholesome and satisfying and it is just "for me." I am meant to be a mom; this I know without a doubt.

The kind of reflecting I'm talking about has to do with identity. Balance. I grew up with a huge goal of being a successful, independent, working woman. My sister and I were raised by a single mom, and this was stressed (lovingly) in our household all the time. Do not depend on a man for your financial strength. Do well in school. Succeed. I think it was great - because today both my sister and I are highly motivated, hard-working gals. No, we aren't Ivy League grads or Nobel Prize contenders, but we are good at what we do - and hey, we have some personality too. I think we are both unique and gifted and ambitious. That's all you can really ask for, right?

Well, now that I am a mama, you all know I took a shortened schedule at work. Many of you have asked me how it's going. Truth be told, it's going great. Far better than I could have imagined. When I'm at work, I'm "on." There is no Perez Hilton... Facebook... playtime. I am focused, motivated, and on point. I love that feeling. But yet... I still feel like I'm not doing enough. Because I leave at 3pm everyday. Because I don't work on Fridays. Even though I get there at 7:30 am in the mornings. Even though I get up at 5:20 am every morning to make sure I'm up and ready before little Maya wakes up. Even though I'm still out of the house 9 hours a day (with my commute). Even though I am always reachable and check emails and call in when I'm home. Everyone at work seems happy with the situation. I was assigned some new responsibilities at work when I returned - ones that I would not have gotten if they didn't believe in my abilities or if they didn't like my performance. So why am I stressing about this? I don't know. How can I have it all? If I work like mad, I really can't be a mom. I've tried my best to balance it, and it seems as if I have, but yet, I still feel strangely guilty about it. Oh, why do I torture myself so?

OK, I'm blabbering. Now for a cute little Maya story.

I got home from work at about 4ish on Monday. I walked in and Maya was in her jumperoo, looking oh-so-cute. I went over to the nanny log book and saw that she had just eaten not too long before I came home, but it had been almost 2 hrs since her last nap. OK honey, time for a nappie. There was no way she'd make it to 7pm (her bedtime) without a nap.

So I nursed her a little bit and did our "naptime routine". Well my girl knew what was up, and she did not like it. She started to fuss. Then started to cry. This was all in my arms. I didn't even have a chance to set her in her crib. I tried walking around with her, rocking her, she wasn't having it. She was just getting more hysterical. After a while, I just said eff it (in my head of course). I turned on the lights in her room, and said "You don't want to take a nap? Fine, no nap!"

Oh my goodness. She immediately stopped crying, and looked at me, then around the room, in a little bit of shock/surprise. Then she looked back at me, and the BIGGEST grin appeared on her face. I just melted right there. It was so damn cute! She was so happy that I cancelled her nap!

We spent the next hour just playing on the floor in her room. Lots of kisses, and tummy time (my girl loves tummy time), and blowing raspberries, and Eskimo kisses. She was in pure delight. So was I!

I thought about it, and it made sense. I'm gone all day long, and then I get home and I try to put her down for a nap? Poor thing wants some mama-time! That totally makes sense - dummy me.

So Tuesday morning, I told the nanny to stretch the time between her naps a bit longer - so that she'd be waking up around 4ish. That way when I come home, it's play-time!

We've played and shared a million kisses on her pink rug every afternoon this week. Pure freaking delight. :)

Our big adventure

noreply@blogger.com (California Girl) — Sat, 17 Jan 2009 15:45:00 +0000

I don't work Fridays, so I really take the opportunity to savor some alone time with little Maya. Yesterday my mom came over in the morning and we hung out; it was really nice. I had arranged to meet another mama at a great kids clothing store in Santa Monica - Life Size at Fred Segal... which is about 10 miles away from my house. A really good friend of mine works there and they are having a huge sale right now. We were going to shop a bit and then walk down to the beach and have lunch. Beautiful idea, right?

We had a really nice time. The weather was infectiously nice... blue skies, calm ocean, sweet warm air. I was walking back to my car and noticed it was 2:45 pm. Crap.... I really needed to get a move-on because Friday traffic is a nightmare and I didn't want to get caught up in it with a baby. Plus, Maya had been snoozing away in her stroller and that meant she probably wouldn't do too much sleeping in the car.

I thought about feeding her before heading out on the road, but she was very content, so I figured I'd just get on my way and not waste any time. We got on the freeway, and about 2 minutes into my drive, I noticed a big electronic saying that there was an accident up ahead (at the exit before mine) and that the 3 right lanes were shut down.

Fukc.

It took 30 minutes to transition to the freeway I needed to get on (the lovely 405). THANK the lord, Maya fell asleep in the car. I was so panicky.... if she woke up and started wailing, I would have no options... Stuck on a freeway that wasn't moving.

As soon as I could get off the freeway, I did. The exit was Santa Monica Blvd, and if anyone is familiar with this area during rush hour/traffic you know what a clusterfukc it can be. I figured I'd take the side streets. I was going to cruise through Brentwood and take Barrington up to Sunset. All was well with that plan until I heard huge sirens and saw helicopters ahead. Traffic on Barrington at a standstill. There was apparently some huge accident/car fire on Sunset Blvd. You had to be kidding me. It was awful. I called my mom and H basically so freaked out about how I was going to get home.

I got off Barrington and jumped on Bundy.

Maya woke up and started to fuss and I knew she must be hungry. I pulled over off of Bundy (famous street where OJ and Nicole Simpson lived) and nursed her. Mind you, she decided to pick this day to start a nursing strike. I think she has gotten used to getting bottles during the day from the nanny, so nursing is just far too much work. She was crying and I felt so at a loss.... all I could offer her was me. Thank god, she eventually did go for it. I could see traffic ahead up at a complete standstill on Sunset. After nursing and changing her, Maya was in the sweetest mood! I had to play along like I was in the sweetest mood too, but I wasn't! I was freaking out!

We got back in the car and I tried to see if there was some alternate street I could take. I looked in my GPS and saw a little road up in the canyon that could be a shortcut. We drove ALL the way up, only to see that it is a private city road that was gated off. Shit!! Down we went, back to the parking lot that was Sunset Blvd.

I told Maya we were just going to have to be strong and get through it. Onto Sunset we went. I sang songs to her, just tried to be as positive as I could. She was such a trooper. After a while she started to fuss (how long can a baby tolerate being in the car!?) so I gave her the paci and thankfully she took it.

There were many more little incidents along the way, but we FINALLY made it home. 2.5 hours later. To go 10 freaking miles. Oh my goodness. I really felt desperate... like I was in a battle that I had no control over. That's what LA traffic can be like.

From now on, we are staying really close to home on Fridays. Never freaking again.

Head is spinning

noreply@blogger.com (California Girl) — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 03:09:00 +0000

I'm just thinking about how much has gone on in the last week... and it makes my head spin! It's not just "things" that have happened or are happening, but it's also just where my mind is at.

Let's get to it, shall we?

1. Maya - my dear, sweet love. Oh, how I love this girl! Let me count the ways... She is SUCH a good little baby... her smile makes me melt... she has such good spirits... she sleeps 11-12 hours a night (I know this can change!)... I can just go on and on. I love this girl more than I ever could have imagined, and then some. It's so cliche to say it, but everything I do, I do it for her (cue Bryan Adams). It's true. I get up at 5:30 in the morning to get ready for work before she wakes up... I go to work with high hopes and ambitions... and I get out of there on the dot so I can hurry my little butt home to scoop her up. She is my true love! I just can't get enough of her.

We celebrated her 3 month birthday last Sunday... She wasn't much in the mood for pictures, but she allowed us one behind-the-scenes shot.

The paparazzi kept pestering her while she was on her break, and she did not appreciate one bit.

LOL. Ha! I love her faces.

2. Nanny - So, I was back to work this week (see #3 below). We've had our nanny working two days a week for the past month, as she needed to start earning some money, and it gave us an opportunity to get used to each other. Well, this week it was 100% nanny. I was not around to give her a hand, let her eat lunch, etc. Overall, I think she did well. I think it totally wiped her out though... it's different when you are taking care of a baby 100% on your own. I think Maya did OK too, and for this it was really good that she started working with us a month ago. I have log sheets that she fills out detailing stuff about Maya's day (how much she ate, "bathroom breaks", naps, etc).

So, more about the nanny. She is a great cook! And she cooked the 3 nights that she was here. I got home from work at 4ish, scooped up little Maya, and told the nanny to go rest. So for 2 hours or so, she was upstairs, resting, watching TV, whatever. Then she came down, and cooked! Whee! Monday night it was Chicken Milanese, or Schnitzel, Tuesday night it was lemon garlic Sole, and last night it was some Bolivian chicken dish with onions, green peas, and tomatoes. All were great (though the Bolivian dish wasn't my favorite) and it's SO nice having dinner made for you. It's great that she's a worker bee and really doesn't know how "not" to do something, because it would make me feel really uncomfortable if I had to ask her to cook or something. She just steps right up to the plate. She also cleans too. Pretty sweet deal.

So you may be wondering, do I have any reservations about the nanny? Well.... a few. She calls Maya "Mi bebe." Which means "my baby." Ugh. I hate it. She's not "tu bebe", she's MY BABY! I mentioned this to my mom a few weeks ago when I noticed she did it for the first time, and my mom scoffed at my complaint, telling me it was really silly to worry about it. Well my mom came by the house on Monday to see little Maya (and also check on the nanny), and she did it in front of my mom. And it also really irritated her! So the other day I told her "No es tu bebe... Es mi bebe!" Excuse the poor Spanish. But I basically told her that Maya is my baby, not hers. I don't care if you want to call her "my doodlebug" or "my paycheck", but she is not your baby. I think I took her by surprise when I told her, but she stopped it... until this morning. She said it again, and I told her again. Let's hope it stops.

Another thing that is a bit annoying is that I feel she is trying too hard to prove that Maya likes her. When I get home and I grab little Maya, I want that to be mama baby time... not mama, baby, nanny time. But nanny just hangs out. And is in Maya's face, trying to get her to smile. It's like she's trying to show that Maya prefers her over me or something! H says I'm overreacting, and that she is just new at the job and wants to prove that she is doing a good job. I can appreciate that. I started noticing this on Monday, so when I got home on Tuesday, I took Maya and told her to go upstairs and rest... no chitchat. I didn't let her help with Maya the rest of the night, even though she wanted to help. I feel like when I'm home, it's time for her to step back... clean, cook, whatever. It seems like she's hopefully getting the point.

Overall I like her and I think she's a good lady. It's a transition for all of us. The most important thing is that she is good with Maya, and it seems as if she is.

Oh, and we're getting nanny cams installed tomorrow. Just sayin'....

3. Work - Yes, the dreaded "back to work" week arrived. You all know how much I was dreading this. I think for the last 5 weeks I was seriously stressed about it. Well, maybe all the energy I expelled about it in advance of actual D-Day helped, because it really wasn't bad. Dare I say that it was actually enjoyable?

There was definitely some stress surrounding it. Getting ready for work Monday morning was a whole event Sunday night. I had lunches packed for H and I... bottles for the pump ready to go. My outfit picked out. Everything I'd need neatly arranged by the door. A quasi-schedule of how things were going to go in the morning all established in my head. Going to sleep at 9:30 pm. Waking up at 4:30 am. Unable to go back to sleep. Yes, you heard that right. Out of bed at 5:20 am, thinking I'd just enjoy a leisure cup of coffee in the dark. Decided to get ready in case Maya decided she was going to have an early morning. Good thinking, because Maya did have an early morning. Phew.

It was nice to see everyone at work. I'm currently not in my office as another gal who is pregnant took over my office while I was gone. She goes on maternity leave in March and I'll get it back.

I spent the week getting caught up on my projects, and getting back in the mix. I am a bit irritated, because the guy who took over my accounts while I was gone seems not to understand that I am back now and they're mine again. In our department, historically we have only had account managers... who did everything from customer contact, proposals, teleconferences, to internal planning and project management/scheduling/coordination. A few months before I left on maternity leave, a technically-oriented person from our organization expressed an interest in joining Sales & Marketing. My boss liked the idea of having someone who was well-versed in technical detail and who could manage and get through a lot of the crap Sales and Marketing has to go through in a much swifter fashion. We all agreed - he would function as an "internal" project manager.

Well, when I went on leave, our boss put him in on my projects. I was fine with it, since he's a nice guy and I felt confident he would do a good job. And he did. I bought him a nice bottle of Don Julio to thank him.

So now I'm back and there is a bit of a struggle on his part to let these projects go. I told him that I was back and "thank you very much", and he will still be in on these projects. But he's more of a support function for the account managers. I don't think he gets it. We had a telecon with one of my biggest accounts today and he was trying to run it! Granted, he set it up before I came back to work, but it still really annoyed me.

I mentioned this to my boss today... that I was concerned there was too much of a gray area between the "account manager" function and the "project manager" function, and he basically said he hasn't really worked it out in his head yet. Ummm, he's the department head. THAT'S HIS JOB. He also said that another coworker of mine also expressed some of the same concerns to him. Ugh. So I think I'm going to chat with her on Monday so we can be a cohesive front on this. I do not want to lose my accounts to some guy just because I went on maternity leave. I worked hard to develop the relationship with these people and it's what I like most about my job. And boss had better get to delineating some rules about job function. I mean, you are in a position to manage people only if you know how to manage them.

Sigh... it's a little annoying, but I hope it will be resolved.

Just because I need some cheering up now, here are some recent pics of mi bebe!

Holiday time

noreply@blogger.com (California Girl) — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 15:49:00 +0000

So, it's the end of December... families come together, whether it's around the Christmas tree or under the glowing lights of the Menorah. It's a lovely time because it's quiet, peaceful, gives us a chance to reflect on the past year, and a chance to look forward to the year ahead.

As I look back on where I was a year ago today, it was a tough place. Well no, let me rephrase that. It was a great place. I was in Hawaii with H and steppie. We were staying in a beautiful hotel in Wailea on Maui. We had gone snorkeling and seen the most amazing HUGE turtles. Life was good.

But it was also empty. We had been trying to get pregnant, and at the time it was month after month of well - disappointment. Little did I know that about a month later, I'd find out that my life as I knew it was going to change. Amazing how fast a year has gone by!

I am so grateful for the experience of the past year. I've been through so much, and have had the opportunity to grow exponentially. In my personal life (my experience with myself), my relationship with H, my family and friends, work, who I want to be, and how I want to get there. It's a bit scary to venture out asking these big questions of ourselves, especially when no one tells us "how to get there." But it's been a wonderful journey. And it keeps on going!

I have a wonderful family. I've mentioned before how grateful I feel to have been born to this family. So much unconditional love.

I have an incredible husband. I mean totally, amazingly, incredible. I literally look up at whatever higher power I have, almost on a daily basis, and thank god for having him in my life. He's not perfect, and god knows I'm not either, but he is just wonderful for me. It is such a blessing to be married to such a kind, easygoing, loving, supportive, successful man.

I have a beautiful daughter! Who celebrated (or rather, is celebrating) her first Hanukkah!

She's a sweet little thing...

who has filled my life with so much joy. She is sleeping so well at night now (it may just be a phase, but I'll take it!), and when I wake up before her (which is usually the case), I just can't wait to scoop her out of her crib and see that smiling, sweet, innocent face.

Note: it's not always so angelic. She's trying to take a nap right now and is fussing her head off.

Le sigh. Parenthood!

Things

noreply@blogger.com (California Girl) — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 15:38:00 +0000

Things... chapters... issues... subjects...

Things. How are things going?

Overall, things are going quite well. I really have nothing to complain about. Well, publicly at least. But it my own little mind, I might beg to differ. That's what I need to work on.

Well, first and foremost, things with little Maya are stupendous. Wonderful. Amazing. She is such an incredible little baby and I treasure each day we have together. It is such an experience to see how she changes by the day, what she learns, and how she grows. Or rather, how we grow together. It's true. I learn more about her every day, which changes how we handle things - what kind of schedule to put in place, what amuses her, when she gets tired/hungry/bored. She changes so much too! Her random smiles have turned into real responses... she loves funny faces and funny voices. When she wakes up in the morning or from nap and is refreshed, she is so proud of herself and can't stop smiling. It's just so damn wonderful to be with her.

It's made me a total sap. Seriously! I think I've cried more - tears of happiness as well as sadness - since she's been born than I have in the last 15 years. I'm just not much of a crier. Emotional, yes. Sensitive, definitely. But I'm also analytical/logical, and I always try to analyze my emotions and file them away in the appropriate drawer. Well, that approach just doesn't work when you have a baby. Emotions just get sprayed all over the board. No time to hire an administrative assistant.

I guess having a baby does that to you. Makes you more sensitive about the world. About others. About family.

Yesterday Maya was up at 6 am. Well, she was up earlier but I didn't get her out of her crib until 6am (part of our sleep training). I turned on the TV and this movie, "This is my Life" was on. Have you ever seen this movie? Oh, it's so wonderful... It's with Samantha Mathis and Gaby Hoffman - and it's about a single mom and her two daughters, and what they go through... and really, how much they love each other, even though they are so different. My sister and I used to watch this movie when we were younger... and we loved it. It's just such a sweet story about the 3 gals just sticking together. And it totally mirrors how I feel about my mom and my sister. I was sitting there with tears running down my face watching the movie! I immediately sent my mom (who is in Thailand currently) and sister an email, telling them how much I love them, and how grateful I am to have such an amazing mom and sis. Seriously - do you ever think about the fact that you can't choose your family? I feel so lucky that I was born into mine. Even though we went through a lot - divorce, courts, lots of fighting between mom and dad, remarriages, more divorces - I am incredibly lucky and am eternally grateful to my higher power - whatever it is - for blessing me with it.

Other things... work. I went into work last Thursday to see everyone and so they could see Maya. Of course she fell asleep in the car on the way over, and slept for 3 solid hours, so they just saw a sleeping beauty. It was really nice to see everyone. Of course, the CEO said, "Are you ready to come back to work?" Oy. Yes I am. And no I'm not.

I've just decided that I'm going to give it my best shot. If I can't stomach it, I won't force myself. We could survive financially with me not working. H would support it. The only negative is that we get all our benefits through my job. But we'd be able to work that out somehow too. I just wonder about myself... how would I feel 6 months down the road? Would I feel bored? Would I feel like I lost my identity? It's hard to judge how you'll feel in the future... so I'm going to go as prepared as I can, and with the best of intentions, and we'll see how it goes. I think I can at least do that.

Speaking of being prepared, I've really been working on Maya sleeping better. It would just break me up to be at work and not know that my girl was sleeping properly. So here we are on day 6 of "Operation sleep-train" and the results have been miraculous. Last night she went down at 7pm, and slept solid until 6am! I went to sleep around 10:45 and slept quietly and peacefully until 6 am! Wow... I was impressed. Naps are getting better too. We're up to two naps a day in her crib. Need to get to 3. And she is falling asleep by herself every time. Each day is getting better and it makes me so proud and happy!

And in the realm of personal "me" time, I actually went out on Saturday night! To H's company party. We put Maya down to bed at around 6:30, the nanny came over, and off we went! It was nice to get out of the house, have a glass of champagne (or 2), and just be out with other adults. Definitely got to make that a weekly or biweekly thing.

So, in summation, things are great. I have a wonderful, amazing, healthy, independent, sleeping daughter. Who smiles a whole lot these days! I have a job! I need to be grateful for that... given the economy these days. I also have the flexibility to give that job up, if I need to. I have an amazing husband, mom, and sister.

I am damn lucky.

The nanny

noreply@blogger.com (California Girl) — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 05:59:00 +0000

So, here it is, Tuesday night, and I did it. I got through my first exercise with the nanny. When I go back to work in January, she will be here four days a week, spending the night for 3. So in these few weeks before I go back, she's here all day Monday, Monday night, and Tuesday. The reason she is here overnight is just so I have the flexibility of having someone early in the morning, who will also be here if my days run late or I need a second pair of hands.

Elsa is really a nice lady. I never would have let someone come into my house, stay in our guest room, and take care of my baby if I didn't feel 100% confident that she was a good person. During her interview she came fully prepared, with all of her paperwork, TB test, CPR certifications, insurance, driver's license, and 3 letters of recommendation. I got a good sense of timeliness and organization about her.

Well, she got here at 9 am on Monday morning. And wouldn't you know it, my darling little daughter decided to throw both of us for a loop by not napping AT ALL. For her first nap, at about 10 am yesterday, I decided to let Elsa handle it. See how she would handle it. Maya doesn't like to be put down to sleep, but once she's sleeping obviously it's great for her. So we always get a few serious cries as she is being swaddled and rocked. I decided to take a book and go outside, as it was torture to sit in my living room and hear it. Well, about an hour later I still didn't see Elsa exit the room... so I went in and yeah - Maya was up. Le sigh.

I took over. I showed her what I do. Did it help? Maybe. I think we got Maya down for about 30-40 minutes. That's a pretty lame nap if you ask me.

And so went on the day. She was majorly fussy by the afternoon... as anyone who is majorly tired would be. Babies are really a bit nutty... if they are tired, why won't they sleep?? It makes me crazy. Elsa spent the day cleaning (she is a major cleaner, totally awesome!), and alternating trying to get the baby to sleep with me. H came home in the late afternoon and took her and it seemed to calm her down a bit. I had her down to sleep by 6:30, she was up a few times and was finally down for good at 8:30. She did sleep pretty good last night, so that at least was a blessing.

This morning, Maya slept till almost 8:30! Elsa was downstairs at 8 am... she had breakfast, cleaned (she seems to love to do this), and then took Maya after I fed her so I could take a shower. Now that was nice. I took my time, washing my hair, brushing every last strand (Marsha Marsha Marsha!), putting my makeup on. I had a nice breakfast. Maya was content as could be, after having slept so well. I thought we were on a path of success for the day.

Oh, not so. The girl would not nap, again, for the life of her! Crazy-making! She slept less today than she did yesterday. Little 15-2o minute naps. The minute she'd be down, she'd startle and be up again. At about 4 pm, while she was on the brink of sleep in Elsa's arms, I decided to run to the market. We were clean out of everything in the house. I came home, and yes, baby was up. No surprise there. But she also totally "relieved herself" of the #2 variety after two days of no movement - and had a big smile on her face. We gave her a bath, I nursed her a bit, and she was out. At 5:30 pm. Oh well, that was bedtime.

It's now almost 10:30 and she's gotten up once for a refuel... went right back down. Let's hope this girl sleeps tonight.... and tomorrow... and that I haven't scared my nanny off with my zombie daughter.

Happy 2 months!!

noreply@blogger.com (California Girl) — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 05:11:00 +0000

Happy 2 months, Maya babe! I love you sweetheart!

I can see the shore...

noreply@blogger.com (California Girl) — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 04:52:00 +0000

Thanks to all of you have sent me comments or emails in support of my dilemma about work. It has been on my mind constantly the last week, and I've talked to so many people about it. I won't go into the details here, but I feel like I may have come up with an arrangement that I feel comfortable with. I will know more next week... but for now, my anxiety level is down, thank god. I can see land!

As you can imagine, when the head and the heart feel better, so does life in general. I feel much lighter emotionally and mentally, which I desperately needed. The house is quiet now after all the family being here for Thanksgiving. H's mom and her husband, Bella, Bella's cousin, and Bella's friend were all here. Throw in a 2 month old baby, H, and I and that's just a lot of people in one house. There was one night when not only was Maya getting up numerous times, but Bella's friend was throwing up, and Bella was complaining of foot pain. All in the middle of the night! Oy. H and I were fried the next day!

H's mom and husband went on a little getaway up to Ojai yesterday, and Bella is back at her mom's house, so for a few days the house is quiet. Ahhh, I am grateful. And apparently, so is Maya. She slept so well yesterday - most of the day! After having a bit of trouble the previous nights. And at night, she got up twice, and went back down without any problems. All in her crib. At 6 am I fed her, and put her back down, and she kept on sleeping! At about 7 I heard her stirring, but was so tired! I figured I'd wait to hear if it turned into a cry. And it never did! The girl put herself right back to sleep until 8 am. Wow, that has never happened before. It was magical I tell you!

Today we had our 2 month appointment. And the dreaded vaccine shots. As far as weight, my little chunky monkey is 14 lbs, 9 oz. That is >97 percentile! And she is in the 90th percentile for height. Holy moly! The doctor said she is wonderfully healthy, and given mine and H's heights, both the weight and height will mellow out as she grows.

The shots weren't too bad. She had one shot in each leg. The nurse said the second one would be more painful, and poor little Maya's face turned beet red as the shot was given, and she went dead silent. And then burst into tears! My poor baby. Thank god she quickly quieted down and fell asleep in my arms. She has really been fine all day... napping well, not fussy, so it seems the shots didn't affect her much beyond the moment.

Tomorrow we have our mom's group, which is something I always look forward to. It's nice to sit in a room with other mamas who are doing this "mom" thing for the first time too. Other than that, we don't have plans. Easy does it, ya know? :)

Here are some sweet shots of my chunky monkey from the weekend. These are my favorite shots of her yet!

And mama and her baby :)

Much love to all you kindred spirits out there. Again, thank you for your wonderful support - it means more than you know!

Torn

noreply@blogger.com (California Girl) — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 04:50:00 +0000

On this Thanksgiving when I have so much to feel grateful for -- I also feel so incredibly torn. About what you ask? Something I never thought I'd bat an eyelash at. Work.

I have never been one who wanted to be a SAHM. I've worked hard to get where I am - been through lots of grad school, and have worked hard at my company to secure a good job and a good standing with my bosses.

Well I knew that once I got pregnant, I wouldn't be able to swing the hours at work and be a decent mom. I pull 10 hour days at minimum at work, and add the commute on the nasty 405, and my days are practically 12 hours plus out of the house. So I negotiated a 3 day in the office deal with work after my maternity leave was up. I would go in Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Tuesday and Friday I would just be off. If I worked a few hours from home, I could bill for those. I was so grateful to my bosses for this flexible arrangement.

Well now that push comes to shove, I don't know if I can swing it. There - I said it.

I found a nanny that I like... I don't want to put Maya into a daycare at this stage... she is just so little. If I worked close to home, I may reconsider that. So that I'd be able to drop in. But I don't. And I don't want to drag her on the long freeway commute with me everyday... that would be torture. So I have a few issues. One is being away from her for such long days, 3 days a week. Then getting home, rushing to spend a few minutes with her, and putting her to bed. I would just feel so wrong not being with her for so many hours in a day. Knowing that someone else is.

A second issue is my rest. She is still up a few times a night. How can I swing the nights, and still get up early in the morning, get ready for work, battle the freeways to work, concentrate all day, and then battle nasty traffic on the way home? I can just see myself bursting into tears at the sheer exhaustion and frustration of it all.

A third issue is money. With my reduced hours at work, and the cost of having a nanny come to our house, I'd really only be netting about 35% of my current pay. Is this even worth it?

I cried about it with H last night. And again a little this morning. I just feel so torn. I want to maintain my professional career... I just don't know if I would be able to stomach it. We want to try for number 2 in about a year. How could I handle all that?

A very lucky thing is that H is very supportive. He says if I want to stay home, we will make it work. I am very grateful for this.

I don't want to give up my professional life. At least not long-term. But how can you leave a little one at 3 months old? It is just so damn early! You are barely used to being a mom and then you have to go be a mom, and an employee, and a good wife. Throw in long days and a nasty commute and it is really for crazy-making.

I don't really know why I typed this all up. I haven't yet figured out what to do. Is the right thing following your heart? Or your head?

I just had to get it out on paper.

I don't know what to do.

So many lessons in the lessons

noreply@blogger.com (California Girl) — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 04:46:00 +0000

Motherhood is really an amazing experience. I don't mean amazing in the sense of puppies and rainbows. It's not glamorous and it is definitely hard. Sometimes really hard. I mean amazing in the sense that no two days are the same. That when you feel like you are in the thick of a problem, before you know it, it's over. And then there is some new challenge to get through. I really feel like motherhood should be something you put on a resume. It requires a lot - patience, fortitude, optimism, strength, courage, and determination. I've been to college, grad school, worked some tough, demanding jobs, and this, I must say, is in a class all it's own.

I hope I don't sound all negative and worn out. Because I don't feel that way at all. I just think it is so interesting how there is this whole other side of life that you just cannot experience until you are in it. You can read books, you can talk to other mamas, you can imagine what it might be like... but it just won't be anything like what you've imagined. That is at least how I experience it. It's harder, it's tougher, it's better, it's sweeter. It requires a lot, but the payoff and celebration are huge.

I just wanted to get that "on paper" because I don't want to forget how this feels. They say once your kids are growing up, you forget what the early days were like. I guess if god didn't design in that way, you'd never go for number 2! So while I don't mind forgetting the sleepless nights and inconsolable cries, I want to remember that I went through this and what it felt like.

So, moving on - what have we been up to? The good, the bad, and the ugly -

The Good

-Maya's skin is SO much better. I am so happy.

-She is finally sleeping in her crib! Last night was night one, and she did really well! Woohoo!

-I am quite positive that I found a nanny. What a relief. She will be living here 4 days a week (and 3 nights) once I go back to work. Since I only go back in January, we'll start having her come two days a week (and stay over one night) in about 2 weeks, just so we all can get used to the situation. The lady I found is in her mid-fifties, from Bolivia, and very warm and nice. I really got good energy from her. She was extremely well organized, came with all her paperwork and references (all very positive), can drive, and will be happy to clean and cook. Can I say "score!"?

The Bad

-Sleeping. We still haven't got this thing figured out. I would say that on average, Maya is up 3-4 times a night. This may be normal, but it makes for one exhausted mama! I wouldn't mind so much if she got up to eat, went back to sleep for a few hours, only to wake to eat again. But what she does is get up to eat, then go back to sleep for an hour, and then wake again. It may just be a phase that she is going through, but she is a restless sleeper. My mom says I was the same way. The silver lining is that she goes down at about 8 pm (after much struggle), so H and I have some free time at night... and even if I bring her into bed with us in the morning, I can rest with her until about 8-9am. So even though my sleep is extremely fragmented, I still end up with anywhere from 6-7 hours of sleep a night. So that's not too bad.

-I can't get this girl to be happy in a carrier. I am so sad about this. I've tried her in the Moby numerous times, and unless I am doing something very wrong, she just isn't happy in it. I think she just feels too constricted. I'm going to try some other carriers - Beco, Ergo - to see if she likes those more.

The Ugly

-I am having Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday with all of H's family. Sigh. It will be fine, but it makes me sad not to be with my mom or my sister. My mom is in Israel and my sister is visiting our two best childhood girlfriends in Texas. I'll be eating Tofurkey with the hippiefied portion of H's family - kill me now.

~~~~~~~~~

And, just because a post isn't a post without pictures, here are some sweet gems that my sister took of Maya at lunch the other day. So presh, if I do say so myself!

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!!

A lot to catch up on...

noreply@blogger.com (California Girl) — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 22:04:00 +0000

I have so much to catch up on! LOL

So Wednesday night Maya and I went down with H to see his daughter. Her mom lives down south in Orange County. Whenever H goes down, he stays in this great hotel in Laguna Beach right on the water.

It's fantastic... they have cookies in the lobby at night (yum!) and they feed you breakfast in the morning. We got two connecting hotel rooms so that we wouldn't be cramped and so that when Maya got up in the night, I wouldn't be overly stressed about waking steppie or DH.

Well, Maya didn't sleep for shit that night. She went down at about 8 pm, but was up at 11 and practically every 1-2 hours for the night. She wasn't fussy, she just couldn't get in a good groove of sleep. Probably just being in a new place.

We get up in the morning, and I realize the girl hasn't gone #2 in a LONG time. Like over 24 hours. And she is a 2-3 times a day kind of girl. I then realized that the last time she had gone it was also after like a day of not going. So then we were thinking that it is probably why she didn't sleep at all the night before. Gassy/constipated or whatever.

At around 11 am H's aunts met us for lunch, so they could see Maya. You remember my posts about H's mom? Well, imagine 3 others like her. Well, they aren't organic/hepa-filter crazy, but they're overly-chatty Philly women who blab in your ear for HOURS about things you really couldn't give two shits about. But when you look past that, they are very sweet and warm. I do like them.

We were just leaving the hotel, when the explosion of all explosions happened. Yup, the explosions "down there." OMG. She was filthy! Her pants, her onesie, her blanket - everything was covered in it! We went to the room, gave her a bath in the sink, and changed her. The aunts thought it was hysterical. Maya must have been relieved.

I was concerned about this, so I called the doc, who said we should give her an ounce of prune juice/water (50/50 mix) twice a day to get her regular again. So we went to the store.

Maya didn't sleep at all yesterday, save for a two hour nap during the day. For a newborn baby, that's crazy-making. They are supposed to sleep 16-18 hours a day! And she didn't sleep at all the night before, too. She also didn't poo again for the day. That being said, she cried most of the way home.... poor thing - just tired and constipated/gassy. I was SO freaking exhausted. We got home, I nursed her, and she fell asleep in my arms. I put her in the swing at 8pm, pumped, and ran to bed.

Guess what time she woke up? 3 am! My girl slept 7 freaking hours!! If that's not sleeping through the night, I don't know what is! She was just so wiped out.

As for today, things are better. She went to the bathroom (normally, thank god for prune juice), and she's been napping like a champ.

Every day is a new adventure :)

Easy like Sunday morning...

noreply@blogger.com (California Girl) — Sun, 09 Nov 2008 16:02:00 +0000

Wow, this has been just such a nice Sunday morning! So much so that I actually have time to post! Let's see if the sleep gods allow me to finish this post in one sitting. Muahahaha... right.

Everything is going quite well here at home. I really do feel lucky. Maya has been doing great. H has graciously taken over one feeding at night - I pump a bottle every day for this - so that I can get a solid 5-6 hours of sleep (albeit a brief wake-up when he brings her in at 1 am) before getting up for the nightly rounds. It has made me feel SO much more sane. God bless.

Maya and I have really become much more active. I was getting SO antsy and to be totally honest - depressed at being SUCH a homebody. I posted that about that here before. Well getting out of the house took some transition - getting comfortable with it, building confidence, and so on and so forth. But you'd see us now and you'd think we've been doing this stuff for years! It has made me so much more content :)

On Wednesday this past week, my sister came over and the three of us went down to Lake Balboa here in Encino. It's a reservoir, but it's quite beautiful and there are great paths, as well as a cute playground for when Maya gets a little older.

We took a nice walk around the lake (exercise!) and came home for a bit. Sis was heading over to our mom's house for dinner and to help our stepdad transfer some old home VHS videos onto DVD. She suggested I come over as well, since this was a night when H was down south with steppie. "Sure, why not?", I figured. Better than sitting home solo.

Maya was sleeping, all swaddled, and I knew I couldn't put her in the car seat in that kind of fashion. So I undid the swaddle and put her in the seat. She was still mellow. "Sweet", I thought - "she'll just fall right back to sleep with the vibrations of the car."

Not so. We made it down the hill and as we approached the freeway, she must have gotten a sense of the impending traffic as the little one started to cry. Crap. I needed to just get to my mom's house. Pulling over wasn't going to do any of us any good. She was just tired, and I wasn't going to be able to put her to sleep in 5 minutes on Ventura Blvd.

And the little muffin started wailing her head off. I was SO unhappy about it! I was sshhhing her, I put on an AM station with lots of white noise, I talked to her, I sang to her. Nothing was cutting it. By now we were on the freeway and I just kept hoping the traffic would get moving so she could enjoy the vibrations of the car. We approached Van Nuys Blvd and I just couldn't take it... I needed to get off the freeway and calm the little one down. She was crying so hard she was practically hysterical. Mom's house would just have to wait. But as I made it over to the right shoulder, she magically quieted down! Aaaah, sweetness. The rest of the drive was peaceful.

We made it up to mom's, and she woke up as I pulled her seat out of the car. Damn. I nursed her at my mom's, and about 45 minutes later (rocking, soothing), she was asleep again. God bless, I could eat some dinner.

She let me do just that, and 30 minutes later, she was up again. My dear darling daughter! She was still pretty tired, so mom and stepdad jumped in for some shots.

Ahhh, it was a tiring evening (for Maya and me included!), but we made it. We got home (after she did some crying AGAIN in the car ride), and I put her to sleep, and I went to sleep. It just showed me that we CAN do it... I can get through traffic, crying spells, stressful situations with her, and make it through to the peace on the other side.

Let's see... what else were we up to? On Thursday little Maya and I went back to Lake Balboa for another loop (go, exercise!). We then went to the bookstore, where I bought a book, though who am I kidding? When am I going to read it? We also sat outside at Starbucks to enjoy the beautiful day while I sipped on an iced soy latte. It felt so perfect and nice.

On Friday my mom and I went to the Huntington Gardens in San Marino. The Huntington Gardens are beautiful! It's actually a museum and amazing gardens, that used to be lived in by the VERY wealthy Huntington family.

Mom made reservations at the tea house. It was so sweet! We had such a nice time downing our sandwiches and yummy scones and sweets. We then took some nice walks through the Rose garden and Japanese garden.

There is SO much more to see there but it was hot, and we were tired. By the time I made it home around 4:30 pm, I was so wiped out. Thank god H had just gotten home so he could watch Maya while I ran to lie down for a bit. She conked out too and we just spent the rest of the evening watching movies and just being cozy. I love it.

And yesterday we went to a BBQ over at my mom's house. My stepdad's daughter was in town so we all got together to hang. It was nice. And Maya met her quasi step-cousin. He is about 5 months old. He's a sweet kid, but his mom is so neurotic about him that I fear he may become afraid of his shadow when he is older. Poor boy.

Now H is out surfing... I'm a good wife, aren't I? My plan for today is just enjoy, enjoy, enjoy.

Here's a shot of my sweet girl :)

A beautiful day :)

noreply@blogger.com (California Girl) — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 03:31:00 +0000

I had such a nice day today!

Let's rewind. As I said in my post from yesterday, Maya was up all night on Wednesday. She went down around 11 pm... was up at 1, 2:30, 4, and 6 am. And it took me a while to get her down after each waking. By 6:30, I was going out of my mind with exhaustion, and H took over so I could get 2 cherished hours of sleep.

I was SO worried about how she was going to be last night, as I was on my own with her. Yes, the dreaded one night each week where H is down south with steppie. It's like a real anxiety. All of a sudden I start doubting my ability to soothe her or to be able to handle the situation. I know it will get easier as I get more practice at it (and it becomes routine), but we're still at the start line. So I need to be patient with myself.

Anyhow, they say that at the newborn stage, sleep begets sleep. The more little ones sleep during the day, the more they sleep at night. Seems counter-intuitive for us adults, but for wee ones, that's the way it is. So as soon as H left yesterday morning, I took a deep breath, and said it was my mission to get this little one to nap really well. Just sleeeeep away!

And that she did! We soothed, rocked, and the girl was out like a light. She ate, went back down. I felt like I was walking on eggshells after putting her down for each nap, but my girl was out like a light.

Last night, she went down around 10:45, and I jumped into bed. Took deep belly breaths, hoping it would lure me into a sleep. Eventually it did. Little Maya decided to get up at 1 am. Holy shit I thought - here we go again. I nursed her and she was out in a minute. Put her back down, and she was up again at 2:00. Ack! Nursed her again (for longer), and changed her, and put her back down. She was out right away. Didn't get up again until 5:30 am. Score! Fed her again, changed her, and she went back to sleep until 8:30 am! I was so, so relieved and happy. Granted, I was still groggy, but I brought her into bed with me and we snuggled till past 9. I woke up feeling really refreshed.

My stepdad came over in the morning to see us. This is really big, since my stepdad is not an openly emotional person and definitely not one that reaches out. I was really touched that he wanted to come by. He never really holds babies, but I forced him to hold little Maya. She loved him! She kept smiling, smiling, smiling. Of course right now the smiles are all just reflex or gasses, but he got the greatest kick out of it. I've never heard him laugh with such happiness.

At 11 am my mom came over and out we went! The three of us (Maya, Mom and I), took a beautiful drive through Calabasas and the hills to Malibu. It was so beautiful! I was so grateful to be out in the beautiful nature. My mom was also so happy to do it. We drove around Malibou Lake and just admired the gorgeous mountains and beautiful homes. It is so majestic out there!

We went to eat a lovely restaurant in Pt. Dume. We had ocean views and lovely breezes. Ahhh, just what the doctor ordered!

We stopped at Starbucks in the Colony on the way home, and I was back by 3. Maya was zonked out the whole time, save for feedings and changings. My wakeful one became such a sleeper! Hooray!

This evening my dad stopped by, and finally H and steppie got home. My cohesive family unit is back. Hooray. I'm off solo duty, until the next time ;)

Not much time to post...

noreply@blogger.com (California Girl) — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 01:43:00 +0000

As my normally pretty decent sleeper has decided to throw mommy for a loop the last 24 hours!! She was up every 1-2 hours last night! Le sigh!

But nonetheless, little Miss Maya and her mama wanted to wish everyone a very happy Halloween! Have fun!

xoxo from the both of us!