It's been so long

since I've written here last. Gah. I won't even try and play "catch up" because it would just be random and long-winded. So I'll just start spewing.

What is the state of my life right now? Overall, I'd say it's going really well. I feel content and OK with the world around me. I really am grateful to feel this way, because I can remember all too well a few months ago feeling quite nauseous with the world around me. Peace is a good thing.

Maya is just a pure, pure joy. So much fun. Such a little love. A round, chubby, scrumptious, edible, smiley baby.

Who likes to hang out in diaper boxes.

Maya and my mom this past weekend

and will probably have crazy hair like her mama

Right before bath time

She's crawling up a storm, pulling up, and as of yesterday, standing hands-free! For about 10 seconds, when she plops on her butt. Thank goodness for cushy diapers! She's very proud of herself, and squeals with delight. It's too darn cute.

I think all of the excitement over standing solo made it really hard for her to fall asleep tonight. I put her in her crib at 6:45 and she was supremely silent, but I watched her crawl around her crib, stand up, lie down, move from this side to that side, repeat, for over an hour! At some point she just said, "OK, this is getting boring. Might as well crash." And that was it. But not one little inkling of noise! So awesome. Thank god for the video monitor. And Ferber.

I also feel pretty balanced because I came to terms with something the other night. I had my review at work week before last. It was about 5 months late. Seriously. Boss was just busy and kept telling me we'd do it "soon." I wasn't too worried, because any raise I got would just be paid out in one lump sum to reflect getting it on my date-of-hire anniversary. The review was good, standard, basically the same song and dance I get every year. However, my ears perked up when my boss said, "We'd really like to know when you're planning to come back to work full-time." Uhhhhh, huh? My mental answer was, "Never." But I told him I'd have to think about it and get back to him.

See, before Maya was born I had a sit-down with my boss and CEO. I told them there was no way I could maintain my 50+ hour weeks and long commute, once the baby was here. I suggested working full time, but two days from home. After a good amount of back and forth, they said that they didn't want to set a precedent of having people work from home, so if I wanted one day at home, we'd cut my time by one day and I'd work 4 days. They said that we could maintain this schedule as long as it worked for the company, and if there were any problems with work not getting done, they'd talk to me about it before taking any action. Cool.

Well truth be told, I am getting all my work done and more. Somehow having a baby just makes you not waste time when things need to get done. I took on a whole new set of responsibilities when I came back to work in January and am still getting it all done. And I cost my company 20% less. With all the push for "cutting costs", they have a hell of a deal with me. I put all of this in a letter to my boss, asking him if we could re-evaluate the situation in 6 months, when I'm done breastfeeding. But that was just dangling a carrot. My Mon-Thurs are intense and exhausting and having my Fridays at home with Maya is just too valuable.

See, it's a struggle having a career and being a mom. You want to "climb the ladder", be more, attain that "C" title. But you cannot do that without sacrificing quality time with your kids. It's a very hard thing to balance. I am ambitious and I want to do great things with my career. I am competitive and I want to do better than my coworkers. The other night I felt so unsettled about it all. I started talking to H about getting to the "Director" level and beyond, and he said, "Well, is that what you want?" His phone rang so he got distracted, but I sat outside, enveloped in the warm evening air, as the sun was setting beyond the tall cypress trees (what an incredible night), and asked myself that exact question. Is that what I really want?

Hmmm. What's my boss's life? 10-11 hour days. In the office on Saturdays. Lots of travel. Not a bad life if you have no kids or you don't really value quality time with your wife/husband. But if you do??? Hell no. I love my family. I love hanging out at home with Maya, with H, with friends that stop by, with family. It's the bread and butter of my life right now. It's the best. And these years, of raising a family, are years that you can never get back. It's a period in our lives, and once it's gone, that's it. I'm loving it so much that I just want to savor each moment of it.

Once that thought processed through my mind, I felt so settled. I'm going to do a kick-ass job at getting my things done right now. I'm going to run my business unit better than it has ever been run before. I'm going to knock their socks off. Yes, sir. Mon-Thurs, from 7:30am - 3:30pm. On those off hours, I'll be loving it up with my precious family. If work needs me? Blackberry.

Word. I've felt on top of the world since. And the fact that a recruiter has been jocking me hard-core for a Director-level job at our biggest competitor? That helped too. :)