Holiday time

So, it's the end of December... families come together, whether it's around the Christmas tree or under the glowing lights of the Menorah. It's a lovely time because it's quiet, peaceful, gives us a chance to reflect on the past year, and a chance to look forward to the year ahead.

As I look back on where I was a year ago today, it was a tough place. Well no, let me rephrase that. It was a great place. I was in Hawaii with H and steppie. We were staying in a beautiful hotel in Wailea on Maui. We had gone snorkeling and seen the most amazing HUGE turtles. Life was good.

But it was also empty. We had been trying to get pregnant, and at the time it was month after month of well - disappointment. Little did I know that about a month later, I'd find out that my life as I knew it was going to change. Amazing how fast a year has gone by!

I am so grateful for the experience of the past year. I've been through so much, and have had the opportunity to grow exponentially. In my personal life (my experience with myself), my relationship with H, my family and friends, work, who I want to be, and how I want to get there. It's a bit scary to venture out asking these big questions of ourselves, especially when no one tells us "how to get there." But it's been a wonderful journey. And it keeps on going!

I have a wonderful family. I've mentioned before how grateful I feel to have been born to this family. So much unconditional love.

I have an incredible husband. I mean totally, amazingly, incredible. I literally look up at whatever higher power I have, almost on a daily basis, and thank god for having him in my life. He's not perfect, and god knows I'm not either, but he is just wonderful for me. It is such a blessing to be married to such a kind, easygoing, loving, supportive, successful man.

I have a beautiful daughter! Who celebrated (or rather, is celebrating) her first Hanukkah!


She's a sweet little thing...


who has filled my life with so much joy. She is sleeping so well at night now (it may just be a phase, but I'll take it!), and when I wake up before her (which is usually the case), I just can't wait to scoop her out of her crib and see that smiling, sweet, innocent face.

Note: it's not always so angelic. She's trying to take a nap right now and is fussing her head off.

Le sigh. Parenthood!

Things

Things... chapters... issues... subjects...

Things. How are things going?

Overall, things are going quite well. I really have nothing to complain about. Well, publicly at least. But it my own little mind, I might beg to differ. That's what I need to work on.

Well, first and foremost, things with little Maya are stupendous. Wonderful. Amazing. She is such an incredible little baby and I treasure each day we have together. It is such an experience to see how she changes by the day, what she learns, and how she grows. Or rather, how we grow together. It's true. I learn more about her every day, which changes how we handle things - what kind of schedule to put in place, what amuses her, when she gets tired/hungry/bored. She changes so much too! Her random smiles have turned into real responses... she loves funny faces and funny voices. When she wakes up in the morning or from nap and is refreshed, she is so proud of herself and can't stop smiling. It's just so damn wonderful to be with her.

It's made me a total sap. Seriously! I think I've cried more - tears of happiness as well as sadness - since she's been born than I have in the last 15 years. I'm just not much of a crier. Emotional, yes. Sensitive, definitely. But I'm also analytical/logical, and I always try to analyze my emotions and file them away in the appropriate drawer. Well, that approach just doesn't work when you have a baby. Emotions just get sprayed all over the board. No time to hire an administrative assistant.

I guess having a baby does that to you. Makes you more sensitive about the world. About others. About family.

Yesterday Maya was up at 6 am. Well, she was up earlier but I didn't get her out of her crib until 6am (part of our sleep training). I turned on the TV and this movie, "This is my Life" was on. Have you ever seen this movie? Oh, it's so wonderful... It's with Samantha Mathis and Gaby Hoffman - and it's about a single mom and her two daughters, and what they go through... and really, how much they love each other, even though they are so different. My sister and I used to watch this movie when we were younger... and we loved it. It's just such a sweet story about the 3 gals just sticking together. And it totally mirrors how I feel about my mom and my sister. I was sitting there with tears running down my face watching the movie! I immediately sent my mom (who is in Thailand currently) and sister an email, telling them how much I love them, and how grateful I am to have such an amazing mom and sis. Seriously - do you ever think about the fact that you can't choose your family? I feel so lucky that I was born into mine. Even though we went through a lot - divorce, courts, lots of fighting between mom and dad, remarriages, more divorces - I am incredibly lucky and am eternally grateful to my higher power - whatever it is - for blessing me with it.

Other things... work. I went into work last Thursday to see everyone and so they could see Maya. Of course she fell asleep in the car on the way over, and slept for 3 solid hours, so they just saw a sleeping beauty. It was really nice to see everyone. Of course, the CEO said, "Are you ready to come back to work?" Oy. Yes I am. And no I'm not.

I've just decided that I'm going to give it my best shot. If I can't stomach it, I won't force myself. We could survive financially with me not working. H would support it. The only negative is that we get all our benefits through my job. But we'd be able to work that out somehow too. I just wonder about myself... how would I feel 6 months down the road? Would I feel bored? Would I feel like I lost my identity? It's hard to judge how you'll feel in the future... so I'm going to go as prepared as I can, and with the best of intentions, and we'll see how it goes. I think I can at least do that.

Speaking of being prepared, I've really been working on Maya sleeping better. It would just break me up to be at work and not know that my girl was sleeping properly. So here we are on day 6 of "Operation sleep-train" and the results have been miraculous. Last night she went down at 7pm, and slept solid until 6am! I went to sleep around 10:45 and slept quietly and peacefully until 6 am! Wow... I was impressed. Naps are getting better too. We're up to two naps a day in her crib. Need to get to 3. And she is falling asleep by herself every time. Each day is getting better and it makes me so proud and happy!

And in the realm of personal "me" time, I actually went out on Saturday night! To H's company party. We put Maya down to bed at around 6:30, the nanny came over, and off we went! It was nice to get out of the house, have a glass of champagne (or 2), and just be out with other adults. Definitely got to make that a weekly or biweekly thing.

So, in summation, things are great. I have a wonderful, amazing, healthy, independent, sleeping daughter. Who smiles a whole lot these days! I have a job! I need to be grateful for that... given the economy these days. I also have the flexibility to give that job up, if I need to. I have an amazing husband, mom, and sister.

I am damn lucky.

The nanny

So, here it is, Tuesday night, and I did it. I got through my first exercise with the nanny. When I go back to work in January, she will be here four days a week, spending the night for 3. So in these few weeks before I go back, she's here all day Monday, Monday night, and Tuesday. The reason she is here overnight is just so I have the flexibility of having someone early in the morning, who will also be here if my days run late or I need a second pair of hands.

Elsa is really a nice lady. I never would have let someone come into my house, stay in our guest room, and take care of my baby if I didn't feel 100% confident that she was a good person. During her interview she came fully prepared, with all of her paperwork, TB test, CPR certifications, insurance, driver's license, and 3 letters of recommendation. I got a good sense of timeliness and organization about her.

Well, she got here at 9 am on Monday morning. And wouldn't you know it, my darling little daughter decided to throw both of us for a loop by not napping AT ALL. For her first nap, at about 10 am yesterday, I decided to let Elsa handle it. See how she would handle it. Maya doesn't like to be put down to sleep, but once she's sleeping obviously it's great for her. So we always get a few serious cries as she is being swaddled and rocked. I decided to take a book and go outside, as it was torture to sit in my living room and hear it. Well, about an hour later I still didn't see Elsa exit the room... so I went in and yeah - Maya was up. Le sigh.

I took over. I showed her what I do. Did it help? Maybe. I think we got Maya down for about 30-40 minutes. That's a pretty lame nap if you ask me.

And so went on the day. She was majorly fussy by the afternoon... as anyone who is majorly tired would be. Babies are really a bit nutty... if they are tired, why won't they sleep?? It makes me crazy. Elsa spent the day cleaning (she is a major cleaner, totally awesome!), and alternating trying to get the baby to sleep with me. H came home in the late afternoon and took her and it seemed to calm her down a bit. I had her down to sleep by 6:30, she was up a few times and was finally down for good at 8:30. She did sleep pretty good last night, so that at least was a blessing.

This morning, Maya slept till almost 8:30! Elsa was downstairs at 8 am... she had breakfast, cleaned (she seems to love to do this), and then took Maya after I fed her so I could take a shower. Now that was nice. I took my time, washing my hair, brushing every last strand (Marsha Marsha Marsha!), putting my makeup on. I had a nice breakfast. Maya was content as could be, after having slept so well. I thought we were on a path of success for the day.

Oh, not so. The girl would not nap, again, for the life of her! Crazy-making! She slept less today than she did yesterday. Little 15-2o minute naps. The minute she'd be down, she'd startle and be up again. At about 4 pm, while she was on the brink of sleep in Elsa's arms, I decided to run to the market. We were clean out of everything in the house. I came home, and yes, baby was up. No surprise there. But she also totally "relieved herself" of the #2 variety after two days of no movement - and had a big smile on her face. We gave her a bath, I nursed her a bit, and she was out. At 5:30 pm. Oh well, that was bedtime.

It's now almost 10:30 and she's gotten up once for a refuel... went right back down. Let's hope this girl sleeps tonight.... and tomorrow... and that I haven't scared my nanny off with my zombie daughter.

Happy 2 months!!

Happy 2 months, Maya babe! I love you sweetheart!

I can see the shore...

Thanks to all of you have sent me comments or emails in support of my dilemma about work. It has been on my mind constantly the last week, and I've talked to so many people about it. I won't go into the details here, but I feel like I may have come up with an arrangement that I feel comfortable with. I will know more next week... but for now, my anxiety level is down, thank god. I can see land!

As you can imagine, when the head and the heart feel better, so does life in general. I feel much lighter emotionally and mentally, which I desperately needed. The house is quiet now after all the family being here for Thanksgiving. H's mom and her husband, Bella, Bella's cousin, and Bella's friend were all here. Throw in a 2 month old baby, H, and I and that's just a lot of people in one house. There was one night when not only was Maya getting up numerous times, but Bella's friend was throwing up, and Bella was complaining of foot pain. All in the middle of the night! Oy. H and I were fried the next day!

H's mom and husband went on a little getaway up to Ojai yesterday, and Bella is back at her mom's house, so for a few days the house is quiet. Ahhh, I am grateful. And apparently, so is Maya. She slept so well yesterday - most of the day! After having a bit of trouble the previous nights. And at night, she got up twice, and went back down without any problems. All in her crib. At 6 am I fed her, and put her back down, and she kept on sleeping! At about 7 I heard her stirring, but was so tired! I figured I'd wait to hear if it turned into a cry. And it never did! The girl put herself right back to sleep until 8 am. Wow, that has never happened before. It was magical I tell you!

Today we had our 2 month appointment. And the dreaded vaccine shots. As far as weight, my little chunky monkey is 14 lbs, 9 oz. That is >97 percentile! And she is in the 90th percentile for height. Holy moly! The doctor said she is wonderfully healthy, and given mine and H's heights, both the weight and height will mellow out as she grows.

The shots weren't too bad. She had one shot in each leg. The nurse said the second one would be more painful, and poor little Maya's face turned beet red as the shot was given, and she went dead silent. And then burst into tears! My poor baby. Thank god she quickly quieted down and fell asleep in my arms. She has really been fine all day... napping well, not fussy, so it seems the shots didn't affect her much beyond the moment.

Tomorrow we have our mom's group, which is something I always look forward to. It's nice to sit in a room with other mamas who are doing this "mom" thing for the first time too. Other than that, we don't have plans. Easy does it, ya know? :)

Here are some sweet shots of my chunky monkey from the weekend. These are my favorite shots of her yet!



And mama and her baby :)


Much love to all you kindred spirits out there. Again, thank you for your wonderful support - it means more than you know!