Torn

On this Thanksgiving when I have so much to feel grateful for -- I also feel so incredibly torn. About what you ask? Something I never thought I'd bat an eyelash at. Work.

I have never been one who wanted to be a SAHM. I've worked hard to get where I am - been through lots of grad school, and have worked hard at my company to secure a good job and a good standing with my bosses.

Well I knew that once I got pregnant, I wouldn't be able to swing the hours at work and be a decent mom. I pull 10 hour days at minimum at work, and add the commute on the nasty 405, and my days are practically 12 hours plus out of the house. So I negotiated a 3 day in the office deal with work after my maternity leave was up. I would go in Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Tuesday and Friday I would just be off. If I worked a few hours from home, I could bill for those. I was so grateful to my bosses for this flexible arrangement.

Well now that push comes to shove, I don't know if I can swing it. There - I said it.

I found a nanny that I like... I don't want to put Maya into a daycare at this stage... she is just so little. If I worked close to home, I may reconsider that. So that I'd be able to drop in. But I don't. And I don't want to drag her on the long freeway commute with me everyday... that would be torture. So I have a few issues. One is being away from her for such long days, 3 days a week. Then getting home, rushing to spend a few minutes with her, and putting her to bed. I would just feel so wrong not being with her for so many hours in a day. Knowing that someone else is.

A second issue is my rest. She is still up a few times a night. How can I swing the nights, and still get up early in the morning, get ready for work, battle the freeways to work, concentrate all day, and then battle nasty traffic on the way home? I can just see myself bursting into tears at the sheer exhaustion and frustration of it all.

A third issue is money. With my reduced hours at work, and the cost of having a nanny come to our house, I'd really only be netting about 35% of my current pay. Is this even worth it?

I cried about it with H last night. And again a little this morning. I just feel so torn. I want to maintain my professional career... I just don't know if I would be able to stomach it. We want to try for number 2 in about a year. How could I handle all that?

A very lucky thing is that H is very supportive. He says if I want to stay home, we will make it work. I am very grateful for this.

I don't want to give up my professional life. At least not long-term. But how can you leave a little one at 3 months old? It is just so damn early! You are barely used to being a mom and then you have to go be a mom, and an employee, and a good wife. Throw in long days and a nasty commute and it is really for crazy-making.

I don't really know why I typed this all up. I haven't yet figured out what to do. Is the right thing following your heart? Or your head?

I just had to get it out on paper.

I don't know what to do.

So many lessons in the lessons

Motherhood is really an amazing experience. I don't mean amazing in the sense of puppies and rainbows. It's not glamorous and it is definitely hard. Sometimes really hard. I mean amazing in the sense that no two days are the same. That when you feel like you are in the thick of a problem, before you know it, it's over. And then there is some new challenge to get through. I really feel like motherhood should be something you put on a resume. It requires a lot - patience, fortitude, optimism, strength, courage, and determination. I've been to college, grad school, worked some tough, demanding jobs, and this, I must say, is in a class all it's own.

I hope I don't sound all negative and worn out. Because I don't feel that way at all. I just think it is so interesting how there is this whole other side of life that you just cannot experience until you are in it. You can read books, you can talk to other mamas, you can imagine what it might be like... but it just won't be anything like what you've imagined. That is at least how I experience it. It's harder, it's tougher, it's better, it's sweeter. It requires a lot, but the payoff and celebration are huge.

I just wanted to get that "on paper" because I don't want to forget how this feels. They say once your kids are growing up, you forget what the early days were like. I guess if god didn't design in that way, you'd never go for number 2! So while I don't mind forgetting the sleepless nights and inconsolable cries, I want to remember that I went through this and what it felt like.

So, moving on - what have we been up to? The good, the bad, and the ugly -

The Good

-Maya's skin is SO much better. I am so happy.

-She is finally sleeping in her crib! Last night was night one, and she did really well! Woohoo!

-I am quite positive that I found a nanny. What a relief. She will be living here 4 days a week (and 3 nights) once I go back to work. Since I only go back in January, we'll start having her come two days a week (and stay over one night) in about 2 weeks, just so we all can get used to the situation. The lady I found is in her mid-fifties, from Bolivia, and very warm and nice. I really got good energy from her. She was extremely well organized, came with all her paperwork and references (all very positive), can drive, and will be happy to clean and cook. Can I say "score!"?

The Bad

-Sleeping. We still haven't got this thing figured out. I would say that on average, Maya is up 3-4 times a night. This may be normal, but it makes for one exhausted mama! I wouldn't mind so much if she got up to eat, went back to sleep for a few hours, only to wake to eat again. But what she does is get up to eat, then go back to sleep for an hour, and then wake again. It may just be a phase that she is going through, but she is a restless sleeper. My mom says I was the same way. The silver lining is that she goes down at about 8 pm (after much struggle), so H and I have some free time at night... and even if I bring her into bed with us in the morning, I can rest with her until about 8-9am. So even though my sleep is extremely fragmented, I still end up with anywhere from 6-7 hours of sleep a night. So that's not too bad.

-I can't get this girl to be happy in a carrier. I am so sad about this. I've tried her in the Moby numerous times, and unless I am doing something very wrong, she just isn't happy in it. I think she just feels too constricted. I'm going to try some other carriers - Beco, Ergo - to see if she likes those more.

The Ugly

-I am having Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday with all of H's family. Sigh. It will be fine, but it makes me sad not to be with my mom or my sister. My mom is in Israel and my sister is visiting our two best childhood girlfriends in Texas. I'll be eating Tofurkey with the hippiefied portion of H's family - kill me now.

~~~~~~~~~

And, just because a post isn't a post without pictures, here are some sweet gems that my sister took of Maya at lunch the other day. So presh, if I do say so myself!









Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!!

A lot to catch up on...

I have so much to catch up on! LOL

So Wednesday night Maya and I went down with H to see his daughter. Her mom lives down south in Orange County. Whenever H goes down, he stays in this great hotel in Laguna Beach right on the water.

It's fantastic... they have cookies in the lobby at night (yum!) and they feed you breakfast in the morning. We got two connecting hotel rooms so that we wouldn't be cramped and so that when Maya got up in the night, I wouldn't be overly stressed about waking steppie or DH.

Well, Maya didn't sleep for shit that night. She went down at about 8 pm, but was up at 11 and practically every 1-2 hours for the night. She wasn't fussy, she just couldn't get in a good groove of sleep. Probably just being in a new place.

We get up in the morning, and I realize the girl hasn't gone #2 in a LONG time. Like over 24 hours. And she is a 2-3 times a day kind of girl. I then realized that the last time she had gone it was also after like a day of not going. So then we were thinking that it is probably why she didn't sleep at all the night before. Gassy/constipated or whatever.

At around 11 am H's aunts met us for lunch, so they could see Maya. You remember my posts about H's mom? Well, imagine 3 others like her. Well, they aren't organic/hepa-filter crazy, but they're overly-chatty Philly women who blab in your ear for HOURS about things you really couldn't give two shits about. But when you look past that, they are very sweet and warm. I do like them.

We were just leaving the hotel, when the explosion of all explosions happened. Yup, the explosions "down there." OMG. She was filthy! Her pants, her onesie, her blanket - everything was covered in it! We went to the room, gave her a bath in the sink, and changed her. The aunts thought it was hysterical. Maya must have been relieved.

I was concerned about this, so I called the doc, who said we should give her an ounce of prune juice/water (50/50 mix) twice a day to get her regular again. So we went to the store.

Maya didn't sleep at all yesterday, save for a two hour nap during the day. For a newborn baby, that's crazy-making. They are supposed to sleep 16-18 hours a day! And she didn't sleep at all the night before, too. She also didn't poo again for the day. That being said, she cried most of the way home.... poor thing - just tired and constipated/gassy. I was SO freaking exhausted. We got home, I nursed her, and she fell asleep in my arms. I put her in the swing at 8pm, pumped, and ran to bed.

Guess what time she woke up? 3 am! My girl slept 7 freaking hours!! If that's not sleeping through the night, I don't know what is! She was just so wiped out.

As for today, things are better. She went to the bathroom (normally, thank god for prune juice), and she's been napping like a champ.

Every day is a new adventure :)

Easy like Sunday morning...

Wow, this has been just such a nice Sunday morning! So much so that I actually have time to post! Let's see if the sleep gods allow me to finish this post in one sitting. Muahahaha... right.

Everything is going quite well here at home. I really do feel lucky. Maya has been doing great. H has graciously taken over one feeding at night - I pump a bottle every day for this - so that I can get a solid 5-6 hours of sleep (albeit a brief wake-up when he brings her in at 1 am) before getting up for the nightly rounds. It has made me feel SO much more sane. God bless.

Maya and I have really become much more active. I was getting SO antsy and to be totally honest - depressed at being SUCH a homebody. I posted that about that here before. Well getting out of the house took some transition - getting comfortable with it, building confidence, and so on and so forth. But you'd see us now and you'd think we've been doing this stuff for years! It has made me so much more content :)

On Wednesday this past week, my sister came over and the three of us went down to Lake Balboa here in Encino. It's a reservoir, but it's quite beautiful and there are great paths, as well as a cute playground for when Maya gets a little older.





We took a nice walk around the lake (exercise!) and came home for a bit. Sis was heading over to our mom's house for dinner and to help our stepdad transfer some old home VHS videos onto DVD. She suggested I come over as well, since this was a night when H was down south with steppie. "Sure, why not?", I figured. Better than sitting home solo.

Maya was sleeping, all swaddled, and I knew I couldn't put her in the car seat in that kind of fashion. So I undid the swaddle and put her in the seat. She was still mellow. "Sweet", I thought - "she'll just fall right back to sleep with the vibrations of the car."

Not so. We made it down the hill and as we approached the freeway, she must have gotten a sense of the impending traffic as the little one started to cry. Crap. I needed to just get to my mom's house. Pulling over wasn't going to do any of us any good. She was just tired, and I wasn't going to be able to put her to sleep in 5 minutes on Ventura Blvd.

And the little muffin started wailing her head off. I was SO unhappy about it! I was sshhhing her, I put on an AM station with lots of white noise, I talked to her, I sang to her. Nothing was cutting it. By now we were on the freeway and I just kept hoping the traffic would get moving so she could enjoy the vibrations of the car. We approached Van Nuys Blvd and I just couldn't take it... I needed to get off the freeway and calm the little one down. She was crying so hard she was practically hysterical. Mom's house would just have to wait. But as I made it over to the right shoulder, she magically quieted down! Aaaah, sweetness. The rest of the drive was peaceful.

We made it up to mom's, and she woke up as I pulled her seat out of the car. Damn. I nursed her at my mom's, and about 45 minutes later (rocking, soothing), she was asleep again. God bless, I could eat some dinner.

She let me do just that, and 30 minutes later, she was up again. My dear darling daughter! She was still pretty tired, so mom and stepdad jumped in for some shots.




Ahhh, it was a tiring evening (for Maya and me included!), but we made it. We got home (after she did some crying AGAIN in the car ride), and I put her to sleep, and I went to sleep. It just showed me that we CAN do it... I can get through traffic, crying spells, stressful situations with her, and make it through to the peace on the other side.

Let's see... what else were we up to? On Thursday little Maya and I went back to Lake Balboa for another loop (go, exercise!). We then went to the bookstore, where I bought a book, though who am I kidding? When am I going to read it? We also sat outside at Starbucks to enjoy the beautiful day while I sipped on an iced soy latte. It felt so perfect and nice.

On Friday my mom and I went to the Huntington Gardens in San Marino. The Huntington Gardens are beautiful! It's actually a museum and amazing gardens, that used to be lived in by the VERY wealthy Huntington family.

Mom made reservations at the tea house. It was so sweet! We had such a nice time downing our sandwiches and yummy scones and sweets. We then took some nice walks through the Rose garden and Japanese garden.









There is SO much more to see there but it was hot, and we were tired. By the time I made it home around 4:30 pm, I was so wiped out. Thank god H had just gotten home so he could watch Maya while I ran to lie down for a bit. She conked out too and we just spent the rest of the evening watching movies and just being cozy. I love it.

And yesterday we went to a BBQ over at my mom's house. My stepdad's daughter was in town so we all got together to hang. It was nice. And Maya met her quasi step-cousin. He is about 5 months old. He's a sweet kid, but his mom is so neurotic about him that I fear he may become afraid of his shadow when he is older. Poor boy.




Now H is out surfing... I'm a good wife, aren't I? My plan for today is just enjoy, enjoy, enjoy.

Here's a shot of my sweet girl :)