On this Thanksgiving when I have so much to feel grateful for -- I also feel so incredibly torn. About what you ask? Something I never thought I'd bat an eyelash at. Work.
I have never been one who wanted to be a SAHM. I've worked hard to get where I am - been through lots of grad school, and have worked hard at my company to secure a good job and a good standing with my bosses.
Well I knew that once I got pregnant, I wouldn't be able to swing the hours at work and be a decent mom. I pull 10 hour days at minimum at work, and add the commute on the nasty 405, and my days are practically 12 hours plus out of the house. So I negotiated a 3 day in the office deal with work after my maternity leave was up. I would go in Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Tuesday and Friday I would just be off. If I worked a few hours from home, I could bill for those. I was so grateful to my bosses for this flexible arrangement.
Well now that push comes to shove, I don't know if I can swing it. There - I said it.
I found a nanny that I like... I don't want to put Maya into a daycare at this stage... she is just so little. If I worked close to home, I may reconsider that. So that I'd be able to drop in. But I don't. And I don't want to drag her on the long freeway commute with me everyday... that would be torture. So I have a few issues. One is being away from her for such long days, 3 days a week. Then getting home, rushing to spend a few minutes with her, and putting her to bed. I would just feel so wrong not being with her for so many hours in a day. Knowing that someone else is.
A second issue is my rest. She is still up a few times a night. How can I swing the nights, and still get up early in the morning, get ready for work, battle the freeways to work, concentrate all day, and then battle nasty traffic on the way home? I can just see myself bursting into tears at the sheer exhaustion and frustration of it all.
A third issue is money. With my reduced hours at work, and the cost of having a nanny come to our house, I'd really only be netting about 35% of my current pay. Is this even worth it?
I cried about it with H last night. And again a little this morning. I just feel so torn. I want to maintain my professional career... I just don't know if I would be able to stomach it. We want to try for number 2 in about a year. How could I handle all that?
A very lucky thing is that H is very supportive. He says if I want to stay home, we will make it work. I am very grateful for this.
I don't want to give up my professional life. At least not long-term. But how can you leave a little one at 3 months old? It is just so damn early! You are barely used to being a mom and then you have to go be a mom, and an employee, and a good wife. Throw in long days and a nasty commute and it is really for crazy-making.
I don't really know why I typed this all up. I haven't yet figured out what to do. Is the right thing following your heart? Or your head?
I just had to get it out on paper.
I don't know what to do.
12 comments:
That's a really hard decision, isn't it? I've never wanted to be a SAHM either, but now we're sort of at a point of wanting kids (I think when we move, it's too chaotic right now) and Scott's new job gave him an increased salary of exactly MY salary, so it's suddenly very possible that I could stay home with no change of life style (except, of course, the cost of kids).
I hope you come to a decision that you're both happy with :)
oh, dear. obviously, you know my stance on this, but then again, i never had a "real" professional life, nor did i work my tail off at school to get there.
my thought is this: would your boss allow you to take an extended family leave? or, is your industry one that would be difficult to return to in a few years? i honestly believe that the first few (well, five) years in a child's life are so precious. they do and learn so much during that time. i fully regret not being able to SAHM with the teen in her early years, and am grateful that i can with the bean now.
the way i look at it is, if it doesn't make sense financially, it isn't worth it. that's definitely the case for us, and while i do sometimes miss daily interaction with CWs, i wouldn't trade this for the world.
good luck with your decision, m'dear. it's a tough one, but i know that with the support of your H, you'll come to a conclusion that works for you. <3 <3
I'm going to say some things I usually don't say b/c this stay at home vs. work thing is really touchy for some people...some people want to make it into war. The stay at homes like to make the working girls feel guilty for not spending time with their kids,and the working moms often say things to make the stay at home moms feel inferior in some way for not focusing on a career...almost treating the stay at homes like anti-feminists or something. I personally hate when women who haven't actually had children yet throw around opinions about things they don't know anything about. So many women like to sound off about how they could NEVER be a stay at home mom and how they'd be bored out of their minds. See...I can say this is annoying b/c I used to do the very same thing...I'm a total hypocrite. I said all the same things that bug me now...I didn't want to be stuck at home every day all day with only a baby for interaction, yada yada yada. Then I actually became a mom and I wanted to take my baby and run away when I turned the page in the calendar and saw that I'd be going back to work in a just a few short weeks. Anyway, I've been on both sides of the fence. I went back to work when LG was a couple days shy of four months old. Some people get accustomed to being back at work and spending a short amount of time with their baby most days, and others, like me, never could.
I knew what I needed to do when one day I heard an old saying...something like "On a person's death bed you never hear them say 'I wish I'd worked more"...that did it for me. People kick themselves all the time for not spending enough time with their kids when they were young. I will not be one of those people. If it means my career isn't as far along at a young age as it would have been, who cares. Family is the most important thing for me; it makes me most happy. Yes, you can work and be a successful mom; I know many that do it. However, I felt pulled in about a hundred directions when I was working and mothering at the same time...I was doing a ton of things and doing none of them to the best of my ability. You might be able to hack it and be happy...I couldn't.
With all that said, I couldn't be the type of sahm that stays home day after day. I help organize the biggest play group in my city. I've made some of my very best friends this way, and LG has made pretty much all of her friends that way. We go out and socialize at least a few times per week, which I think is really important for a positive SAHM experience. Our husbands call it our "mommy sorority", lol.
Does your company allow you to take a leave of absence? When I first decided to stay at home, I took an official one year leave of absence so I could see if the SAHM thing worked for us. I knew after about two days that there was no way I was going back after just one year. The time was too precious. Also, I don't really know what you do, but is there any way you could work from home and keep up your career that way,just not with your same company? There are so many things to think about.
can't add much to this as there's some good advice above, and i know you've got a good head on your shoulders plus the support of h to make the right decision for you guys.
this is one major reason we keep putting the kids thing off. we don't want to have to decide yet. totally still too young and selfish.
hugs.
You are a smart woman, my friend. I am confident that you'll make the best decision for yourself and your family.
[hugs]
I don't have much in the way of advice -- this sounds like a very tough place to be. You are strong and smart, though. I know you will find the right balance.
I agree with all the ladies. You will make the right decision. I can't imagine what a difficult decision this is. Balance, that's the key word...
Torn is a perfect title for this post. And my life. I think that realistically you will not make a choice that makes you completely satisfied. You love your baby and you love what you do for a living. Either way you are going to miss out on something that gives your life fulfillment. I guess the trick is going to be deciding whether or not to try to balance it (by doing both) or make a choice that will leave you missing something. Not easy.
The things I could say here would take too long to type out. I'd be more than happy to share my experiences with you as a single, working mom and how I look back on things 12 years later if you like. Either way, I really hope you guys can make a decision that makes you happy. Ultimately you will have to be OK with what you decide regardless of what anyone else thinks about it. Good luck my friend!
oh man i can't even imagine this decision right now and you have every right to be torn and not knowing what you want to do. at least H is beyond supportive as is your job and i think you'll both find a way to make it all work. you can do it :)
ah man. i don't envy your position at all. :( some great advice above from everyone. i know that you'll figure out something that will be okay for you, the little one and the hubs. good luck m'dear. i'm hoping that it all works out well.
sorry for the late response. I wish I could say something to make it all better. But it seems like the responses you have received so far are wonderful advice.
You have a wonderful H who supports you in whatever you decide.
hugs <3 <3 <3
OH man. I don't want to give you advice, because this is a very, very personal decision. For me, my career was very important, but I was at a point where I could take a little time off. So I stayed home with her for almost 8 months. Then I was DESPERATE to get back to work a few days a week for adult interaction and to reclaim a little bit of my old self! When I was home, I found myself watching TV, wandering around the house aimlessly (while she napped), resenting my husband for not doing as much as me... weird traits that I normally do not have. Having "my" thing back genuinely helped this and made me a happy mommy. Sometimes I'd feel guilty, but in the end, I cherished every single second with her. I wasn't multitasking and doing a million things- I was purely focused on her and our interaction and bonding. Now that she's over 2, she LOVES her school and her little friends so much and begs to go there! So most days she'll go for a few hours and that allows me to work and go to school. I am only part time at work (and although school is full time, it is technically only 18 hours a week so not a full 40 hour week). It's the perfect balance for us! I know you will find your own balance.
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